Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy

Peter: (on couch) Hey Meg, come here, have a seat. (Meg sits down then Peter yawns and puts his arm over Meg)
Meg: Dad? What are you doing?
Peter: Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're 40. (Meg screams and runs away) Meg come back here! I meant sex!

Joe: Boy, this sounds like more trouble than a moose on the interstate.
(Cutaway to a guy driving on the interstate, he sees a moose holding a sign that says "Will do moose stuff for money")
Moose: Hey, can ya help me out? I'm trying to get a couple of bucks for something to eat.
Man: What's "Moose Stuff"?
Moose: Eh, whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with ya, or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake, and everything in between.
Man: Get in.

(Peter and Brian are watching TV)
TV Announcer: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos.
TV Announcer 2: Edited for Rednecks.
Carl Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four bi--
Redneck: (dubbed over) Hundreds and hundreds of years old.
Carl Sagan: Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a s--
Redneck: (dubbed over) God (held long).
Carl Sagan: --ig bang. If you look at the bones of a--
Redneck: (dubbed over) Jesus.
Carl Sagan: --nosaurus Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating th--
Redneck: (dubbed over) Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.

(whispers) Didn't mean to wake ya. (Quagmire's foot slowly leaves.)

</i> Quagmire

Chris: (Runs into the room screaming.) Ahhhhh! Mom! Dad! There's somebody in my tree-house!
Lois: Yeah and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about?
Little Homo: I'll remind you that I was invited here!

Plane Crew Guy #1: Sir, we have a confirmed crash, Flight 37 is down.
Plane Crew Guy #2: Well, we better alert the Mayor. I'll have to interrupt his photo op.
(Cuts to an elementary school)
Adam West: My Pet Goat. Page One. You know said my pet goat, I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, but I just don't have the time. (Government official comes in and whispers to Adam West and leaves. A long moment of silence occurs.) You should make the time said the farmer.

Peter: Besides, Quagmire don't even have a job.
Lois: Well you're going to have to help him find one because I'd have enough of him living in this house.
Peter: Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl.

Airplane Fueler Guy #1: Did we finish fueling?
Airplane Fueler Guy #2: Do you see the hose in the plane?
Airplane Fueler Guy #1: No.
Airplane Fueler Guy #2: Well then I guess we're finished.
Airplane Fueler Guy #1: Thanks George, you wanna say that one more time without the sarcasm?

Airport Clerk: Aw, that was great.
Quagmire: Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your panties may have shifted during coitus. Oh right! I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?
Airport Clerk: 209? That flight left half and hour ago.
Quagmire: Oh my God! Oh my God! That plane's going down! My friends are on that plane! They're all going to die!
Airport Clerk: What? Oh no!
Quagmire: And that's not the worst part. Here's the condom I said I put on.
Airport Clerk: (gasp)
Quagmire: Hahaha, aren't I just the worst?

(Peter and Lois are sitting on the sofa and Chris walks in telling them about the Bully)
Peter: Chris, you have to stand up for yourself, like my great-grandfather Turn-Of-The-Century-Take-On-All-Comers Griffin.
(Black and white scene of Peter's Great-grandfather in a boxing ring with a kangaroo)
Peter's Great-grandfather: (in a posh voice) Alright, put 'em up! Put 'em up! Are you having a Bully day? I'm having a bully day. Is everyone having a bully day?
Posh man in the crowd 1: Bully!
Posh man in the crowd 2: Bully!
Posh man in the crowd 3: Yes, Bully!
Peter's Great-grandfather: Oh, thank god we live in this time!

Brian: You're talking out of your ass!
Stewie: It doesn't matter Brian, I'm tan! Hey, Brian, Brian, Brian... Look at my tan walk!

Peter: Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got.
(Flashback)
Young Peter: My book report is on The Giving Tree (A kid pulls down Peter's pants)
Randy: Hah! Hah! Nerd!
(Class laughs at Peter)
Young Peter: (whining) Randy!
(Cut to hallway. Randy pulls Peter's pants down)
Randy: Hah! Hah! Nerd!
Kids: (Come out of no where and start laughing)
Young Peter: (whining) Randy!
(Cut to urinal. Peter's at the urinal. Randy pulls Peter's pants up)
Randy: Nerd!
Peter: (whining) Randy!

Displaying quotes 133 - 144 of 338 in total

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

(Gregory Peck and his kids are riding in the car, his kids look and talk exactly like him)
Son #1: Are we there yet?
Son #2: It's crowded back here!
Son #3: Stop touching me!
Son #2: Your leg is rubbing up against mine!
Gregory Peck: Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over.
Son #1: Stop breathing on the window!
Son #2: You idiot! That's condensation, it's on the outside.
Gregory Peck: That's it! I will come back there and so help me god, I will hit you with my ring-hand.

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