Family Guy Season 5 Quotes
Peter: (on couch) Hey Meg, come here, have a seat. (Meg sits down then Peter yawns and puts his arm over Meg)
Meg: Dad? What are you doing?
Peter: Meg, I'm a redneck, which means I'm about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're 40. (Meg screams and runs away) Meg come back here! I meant sex!
- Permalink: Hey Meg, come here, have a seat. Dad? What are you doing? M...
Joe: Boy, this sounds like more trouble than a moose on the interstate.
(Cutaway to a guy driving on the interstate, he sees a moose holding a sign that says "Will do moose stuff for money")
Moose: Hey, can ya help me out? I'm trying to get a couple of bucks for something to eat.
Man: What's "Moose Stuff"?
Moose: Eh, whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with ya, or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake, and everything in between.
Man: Get in.
- Permalink: Boy, this sounds like more trouble than a moose on the interstat...
(Peter and Brian are watching TV)
TV Announcer: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos.
TV Announcer 2: Edited for Rednecks.
Carl Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four bi--
Redneck: (dubbed over) Hundreds and hundreds of years old.
Carl Sagan: Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a s--
Redneck: (dubbed over) God (held long).
Carl Sagan: --ig bang. If you look at the bones of a--
Redneck: (dubbed over) Jesus.
Carl Sagan: --nosaurus Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating th--
Redneck: (dubbed over) Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
- Permalink: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos. Edited for Rednecks. I...
(whispers) Didn't mean to wake ya. (Quagmire's foot slowly leaves.)</i> Quagmire
- Permalink: Didn't mean to wake ya.
Chris: (Runs into the room screaming.) Ahhhhh! Mom! Dad! There's somebody in my tree-house!
Lois: Yeah and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen. Which one do you think I'm more pissed about?
Little Homo: I'll remind you that I was invited here!
- Permalink: Ahhhhh! Mom! Dad! There's somebody in my tree-house! Yeah and ...
Plane Crew Guy #1: Sir, we have a confirmed crash, Flight 37 is down.
Plane Crew Guy #2: Well, we better alert the Mayor. I'll have to interrupt his photo op.
(Cuts to an elementary school)
Adam West: My Pet Goat. Page One. You know said my pet goat, I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, but I just don't have the time. (Government official comes in and whispers to Adam West and leaves. A long moment of silence occurs.) You should make the time said the farmer.
- Permalink: Sir, we have a confirmed crash, Flight 37 is down. Well, we be...
Peter: Besides, Quagmire don't even have a job.
Lois: Well you're going to have to help him find one because I'd have enough of him living in this house.
Peter: Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl.
- Permalink: Besides, Quagmire don't even have a job. Well you're going to ...
Airplane Fueler Guy #1: Did we finish fueling?
Airplane Fueler Guy #2: Do you see the hose in the plane?
Airplane Fueler Guy #1: No.
Airplane Fueler Guy #2: Well then I guess we're finished.
Airplane Fueler Guy #1: Thanks George, you wanna say that one more time without the sarcasm?
- Permalink: Did we finish fueling? Do you see the hose in the plane? No....
Airport Clerk: Aw, that was great.
Quagmire: Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your panties may have shifted during coitus. Oh right! I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?
Airport Clerk: 209? That flight left half and hour ago.
Quagmire: Oh my God! Oh my God! That plane's going down! My friends are on that plane! They're all going to die!
Airport Clerk: What? Oh no!
Quagmire: And that's not the worst part. Here's the condom I said I put on.
Airport Clerk: (gasp)
Quagmire: Hahaha, aren't I just the worst?
- Permalink: Aw, that was great. Thanks. I know you have a choice in airpor...
(Peter and Lois are sitting on the sofa and Chris walks in telling them about the Bully)
Peter: Chris, you have to stand up for yourself, like my great-grandfather Turn-Of-The-Century-Take-On-All-Comers Griffin.
(Black and white scene of Peter's Great-grandfather in a boxing ring with a kangaroo)
Peter's Great-grandfather: (in a posh voice) Alright, put 'em up! Put 'em up! Are you having a Bully day? I'm having a bully day. Is everyone having a bully day?
Posh man in the crowd 1: Bully!
Posh man in the crowd 2: Bully!
Posh man in the crowd 3: Yes, Bully!
Peter's Great-grandfather: Oh, thank god we live in this time!
- Permalink: Chris, you have to stand up for yourself, like my great-grandfat...
Brian: You're talking out of your ass!
Stewie: It doesn't matter Brian, I'm tan! Hey, Brian, Brian, Brian... Look at my tan walk!
- Permalink: You're talking out of your ass! It doesn't matter Brian, I'm t...
Peter: Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got.
Young Peter: My book report is on The Giving Tree (A kid pulls down Peter's pants)
Randy: Hah! Hah! Nerd!
(Class laughs at Peter)
Young Peter: (whining) Randy!
(Cut to hallway. Randy pulls Peter's pants down)
Randy: Hah! Hah! Nerd!
Kids: (Come out of no where and start laughing)
Young Peter: (whining) Randy!
(Cut to urinal. Peter's at the urinal. Randy pulls Peter's pants up)
Peter: (whining) Randy!
- Permalink: Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got. My book ...
Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)
- Permalink: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy!...
Don't mind me you guys, I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. Dear, my boyfriend, thank you for making out with me recently, on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me, were really pretty. Just like you said I am. Love, Meg.Meg
- Permalink: Don't mind me you guys, I'm just writing a letter to my boyfrie...