Family Guy

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes (Page 12)

Season 5 Episode 8: "Barely Legal"

(Meg tells Brian about her backup for the dance and how he already had plans)(scene cuts to Meg at the front of Jimmy's door)Meg: Hi Jimmy, umm I heard you didn't have a date to the dance and I was wondering if you would like to go with me..Jimmy: Oh....uhhh...I...uhh....h-hang on..(runs inside and closes the door)(two gun shots are heard firing in the house)Jimmy: (reopening door, crying) I'd love to go Meg, but.. (sniffs) .. I have to go to my little brother's funeral that night..
 • Rating: Unrated

(Brian and Lois are downstairs awaiting Meg to come down so Brian and Meg can go to the dance)(Stewie and Meg walk down the stairs)Stewie: Here she is, Brian I present to you your polish turd for the evening.Meg: How do I look Brian?Brian: Ahhhhhh.....you sure do Meg.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Stewie sitting at the table the morning after Meg's dance)(Brian walks in hung over)Stewie: Oh yes, the day can begin, good morning Brian. Now we can do this one of two ways, I can bust your balls to pieces right now, or we could spread it out over the course of the day.Brian: I don't want to talk about it.Stewie: Well I do, so tell me everything that happened at the dance.(Meg walks in and starts scratching Brian's ears)Meg: Morning cutie..Brian: H-h-hey(Meg walks off and pours herself a glass of orange juice)Meg: I had so much fun last night Brian. Hey I thought maybe we could go get some coffee later.Brian: Uh..I..I don't think so.Meg: Oh come on, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy huh? Who's a good boy?Brian: (wagging tail) Me...Meg: Oh yes, yes, yes who's a good boy?Brian: (continues wagging tail) I am, i'm a good boy...(stops wagging tail) uh...no no no...look..I..I..I..I got stuff to do today. Alright? Sorry..
 • Rating: Unrated

(Brian, Meg and Stewie arrive at the mall to meet Meg's friends)Meg: (to her friends) Everyone, this is Brian.Friend 1: Ohh, this is Brian.Friend 3: He does look like Ben Affleck.Friend 2: He looks just like Ben Affleck.Friend 4: Is that Ben Affleck?Brian: (uninterested) Hey.Friend 4: So, how did you guys meet?Brian: I'm...uh...a friend of her dads.Friend 2: Oooh, he's older.Friend 1: He's cute.Friend 3: Do you have a brother?Friend 4: Makeup and stickers and ponies and myspace.com
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Brian: The thing is, Meg is becoming a little enamored with me, and I'm kind of losing control of the situation.Lois: Oh she's just grateful you took her to the dance.Brain: Well, uhhh, I..I think its more than that..uhh..so here's the thing..and don't get mad and that part I can't stress enough, that's a great shirt by the way...ummm I may have made out with Meg..(Lois pauses then punches Brian)Brian: (rubbing his nose) Ok I had that coming.Lois: (furious) What the hell is wrong with you, you sick bastard!Brian: (getting to his feet) Look I was drinking..Lois: (sarcastically) Ohhh, what a shock!Brian: (sarcastic laugh) Look the short version is, this morning she made me eat the hair in her pie..(Lois punches Brian again)Brian: (getting up from the ground) No its not what you think, Stewie had some too..(Lois punches Brian again)Brian: (annoyed) Stop punching me!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Quagmire: Alright ladies, are you ready for action?
Woman #1: We sure are Glenn.
Woman #2:Did you get the Hwhip?
Quagmire:Got it right here--wait what?
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Yeah, Brian. You're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that oriental guy that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
Lois: Peter, hold on to that thought because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Quagmire: What are you doing?
Joe: I'm watching Bonnie undress.
Cleveland: Bonnie's your wife.
Joe: I like to watch her strip, and pretend she's a total stranger who looks exactly like my wife and lives in my house. Get naked, you strange whore!!
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian: Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday, so I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is headmaster of the New York School for the Hard-of-Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris.
(a live-action shot of Garrett Morris appears between the two)
Brian: Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
Garrett: (shouts) We're not boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian: I will never be attracted to you.
Garrett: I will never be attracted to you!
Brian: You're acting like a psycho bitch.
Garrett: You're acting like a psycho bitch!
Brian: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Garrett: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
(Brian leaves)
Meg: I won't be ignored, Brian!
Garrett: (looks at her) Hmm. I like your ass.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 7: "Chick Cancer"

Tom Tucker: Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringin' gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy "maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys, I mean those big "Oh my God, here they come, floatin' around, makin' noise" gay guys, not the fix up your house gay guys.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Brian: (To himself in the mirror) There we go, you are ready for your date. Yeah, that's a bed head, yeah. Hey look at you, you just got out of bed. You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.
 • Rating: Unrated

Woman: I am not doing that Glenn.
Quagmire: Come on beautiful, keep an open mind.
Woman: You're a sick man!
Quagmire: Hey keep it down, I don't want my neighbors seeing a fat, old, dirty whore screaming at me on my front lawn.
Woman: Whore? Well maybe I should come inside.
Quagmire: Well maybe you should.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: (Wearing Brian's hair on his chest and in his diaper) Hey Baby!
Jillian: Hi Stewie!
Brian: What the hell are you doing?
Stewie: Eh, not much really. Just me and ma pubes, haaaaangin' out.
Brian: Oh dear God.
Stewie: Boy, I am so beat from doin' adult stuff all day.
Jillian: So am I.
Stewie: (while stretching, reveals Brian's hair in his armpits as well) I just feel like kickin' it tonight. (A pair of fuzzy dice fall out of Stewie's diaper) OH! Look at that, I'm growin' all the time.
Brian: Hey, uh Jillian, can you give me a minute?
Stewie: Ya ever just let yer balls hang out B-ri? Ya ever do that B-roni? Drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bry?
Brian: Give me my hair back. (rips it off of Stewie)
Stewie: Ow! What the hell, man?!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Chester Cheetah pours Cheetos cheese puffs on table, cuts them up and snorts them)
Chester Cheetah: Oh, oh God! There is no ****ing drummer better than Neil Peart! (punches table) It ain't easy being cheesy.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: Hey babe, what do ya say, we goin' out Saturday night?
Olivia: Stewie, what are you doing here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.
Stewie: Oh yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Bein' ugly.
Olivia: Stewie, you're being mean.
Stewie: No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would have said "Oh, Hey Ray Liotta, is Olivia home? Oh wait, you're Olivia". You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta, because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash.
(Olivia begins to cry)
So, I'll pick you up at seven?
Olivia: (while sobbing) That sounds wonderful.
 • Rating: Unrated

Lois: Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies?
Peter: Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: Well if you think I'm a baby, then perhaps I should act like a baby! Waaah! Waaah! Waaah!
Man: Hey can you keep that kid quiet?
Stewie: Oh, oh, oh, what's that? What's that sir? What's that, uh ,uh I'm, I'm sorry am I being too loud for you? You want to come over here and quiet me down?
Olivia: Oh, let's not do this.
Brian: Oh God Stewie come on.
Jillian: I'm scared.
Stewie: No, it's okay. It's okay. Sir, do you feel strong? You want to come over here?
Man: No, I want to stay here and have my steak.
Stewie: Oh yeah?
Man: Yeah!
Stewie: What is that, the Porterhouse?
Man: Yeah!
Stewie: How is it?
Man: What do you care?
Stewie: If we weren't fighting, would you recommend it?
Man: Yeah I would.
Stewie: Well, I know what I'm getting.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Alright Joe, let's lose the wheelchair and shoot this thing.
Joe: Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair, I need it to move.
Peter: Okay yeah, but your character can walk.
Joe: Peter, I'm handicapped. I can't walk.
Peter: Okay Chris, roll film. And, action! Joe, get outta the damn chair. Chris, get the cattle prod. (zaps Joe)
Joe: (While flying out of his chair) Ahhhhh!
Peter: Okay, now give him some peanut butter so we can make it look like he's talkin'.
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian: Stewie?
Stewie: Yeah?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: What?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: (annoyed) I know.
Brian: No Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
Stewie: Don't do this to me man, not you man.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: Screw you, cut it out man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: (cries) Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard. (cries)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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