Family Guy

Family Guy Season 5 Quotes (Page 6)

Season 5 Episode 13: "Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey"

Peter: Oh, boy. This is gonna be fun! I haven't made a crank call in years!
Bill: Shh, quiet! It's ringing!
Linda: Hello?
Bill: Hello? Is this Linda Tripp?
Linda: Yes.
Bill: You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die! (Hangs up)
Peter: Boy, that uh... that wasn't really a crank call. That was, that was just unpleasant.
Bill: Sorry about that.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: Hey, Bill. Are you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois's purse. I don't think she'll notice because she's here... humping... you!
Lois: Peter! Look, I know this looks bad and I feel horrible, and... and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill except... I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in US history and he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years!
Bill Clinton: 35 years.
Lois: 35 years, Peter!
Peter: Well, well. I learned something today. Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows, and then there's the dark, sex crazed side only I know!
 • Rating: Unrated

(Peter is playing DDR)
Bill Clinton: Watch the screen, not your feet.
Peter: Bill shut up, I got it.
Loudspeaker Announcer: Number 32.
Peter: Oh no, our pizza is ready!
Bill Clinton: Tag out man! Tag out! (Peter tags Bill in and Bill starts playing) I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic. Come on Barbie, let's go party, uh, uh, uh yeah!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Meg: Wow! Bill Clinton! Hey, uh, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone?
Bill Clinton: Sure.
(Bill lifts up his shirt right when the picture was taken and it shows a nipple ring.)
Bill Clinton: You know where I got that nipple ring? Old straddlin' Madeline Albright gave it to me.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bill: Dude, check it out! There's a pig behind that fence.
Peter: Aw yeah, I see it.
Bill: Dude, we can eat that pig.
Peter: What?
Bill: Dude, come on! We can totally eat that pig. We could, we could do it, man, we could. It'll be so easy man, it'll take like a minute.
Peter: Could it really be that fast?
Bill: Peter, that pig could be in our stomaches in like one minute. And then we could, and then, we could do other stuff.
Peter: (stoned laughing) Oh right, I'm starved. Let's do it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Alright, Peter. Who's it gonna be? Who do you wanna sleep with?
Peter: Ah, who are we kidding, Lois? This is never gonna work. Lets just forget the whole thing.
Lois: No, honey. It's gotta work. Just pick somebody, and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if, if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann Margerat?
Peter: Anybody I want?
Lois: Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me.
Peter: Babs
Lois: (Uneasily) My mother?
 • Rating: Unrated

Meg: Don't mind me you guys, I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. Dear, my boyfriend, thank you for making out with me recently, on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me, were really pretty. Just like you said I am. Love, Meg.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: I mean, what if I run into that octopus again?
Lois: Peter, that's ridiculous.
Octopus: Ready for round two man? (Peter and Lois look outside. Octopus has a cigarette in one of the tentacles.) I got all day. Hey, is that your wife?
(Peter closes blinds)
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical.(scene cuts to Peter bending over a table being examined by a man behind him)Man: Alright... (snapping off gloves) The doctor will be in in a few minutes.
 • Rating: Unrated

(Carter Pewterschmidt walks in his living room to find Peter naked, kissing Lois)Carter Pewterschmidt: Why are you naked in my house?!Peter: (turning around to Mr. Pewterschmidt) Uh....(pauses)...why aren't you?Carter Pewterschmidt: (long pause) ..You're alright Griffin.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Hey there Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that. (Takes out marker and starts to draw.) Let's give you a nice twiggly little mustache here. And maybe a big ol' dumb guy smiley mouth. And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying, 'Say What?' Oh, look whose got pimples... and right before the big dance. (Starts tapping glass with pen and the tank explodes and octopus attacks Peter.)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: (Enters through front door.) Brian, what is this on my shoe?
Brian: My poop.
Lois: (Takes tissue and wipes shoe.) That's right and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learn to use the toilet like everyone else.
Stewie: Uh, I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. (Sneezes on tissue with Brian's poop and looks at it.) Ahhhhh! (Runs away.)
 • Rating: Unrated

(After Meg finishes typing on laptop.)
Chris: Meg, you are so full of crap. You're like those people who sit in Starbucks and publicly write on their laptops. (Scene with two guys typing on their laptops in Starbucks.)
Guy #2: Hey, getting some writing done there buddy?
Guy #1: Yeah, setting up in public so everybody can watch me type my big screenplay.
Guy #2: Me too. All real writers need to be seen writing otherwise what's the point, right?
Guy #1: You should totally write that down!
Guy #2: Okay, will you watch me?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bill Clinton: (Sitting with four fat women.) Alright girls, I turned off the AC. First one to have a bead of neck sweat reach their butt crack wins.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Trust me, it'll work better than the first telephone.
Alexander Graham Bell: Well, we did it Watson. What an afternoon. We finally perfected the first telephone.
Thomas Watson: Yeah, uh, hey listen, somebody called me today. Uh, whoever it was, said some very sexual things, very angry, sexual things.
Alexander Graham Bell: Oh, really? Probably just some teenagers somewhere... damn them.
Thomas Watson: Well, well that's, that's the thing. I mean, there's, there's only two phones, in the, well, in the world and one of them is in my office and the other one is in your office and those two didn't even exist until a few hours ago.
Alexander Graham Bell: Yikes, I could use a distraction right now.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stewie: Look at Peter in that tank top. He looks more pathetic then when John Merrick went on Match.com.
(Scene of John Merrick having dinner with a woman)
John Merrick: (to his date) There's no way you're a size six!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: (about having sex with Babs) Lois, I couldn't go through with it.
Lois: But Peter, you have to! For the sake of our marriage!
Peter: Screw our marriage! I love you!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 12: "Airport '07"

(Peter and Brian are watching TV)
TV Announcer: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos.
TV Announcer 2: Edited for Rednecks.
Carl Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four bi--
Redneck: (dubbed over) Hundreds and hundreds of years old.
Carl Sagan: Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a s--
Redneck: (dubbed over) God (held long).
Carl Sagan: --ig bang. If you look at the bones of a--
Redneck: (dubbed over) Jesus.
Carl Sagan: --nosaurus Rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating th--
Redneck: (dubbed over) Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Quagmire: (Over the plane's intercom) Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your captain Glenn Quagmire, uhhhhhhh we're lookin' bout a four and a half hour flight time today, uhhhhhhh got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is sixty-four degrees, uhhhhhhhhhh the flight is gonna be a little longer than we've expected, uh we've got some very strong head winds, gigity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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