Family Guy

Family Guy Season 6 Quotes (Page 6)

Season 6 Episode 4: "Stewie Kills Lois"

Peter: You've got this all wrong. Like God did when he made Rosie O'Donell.
(cut to scene of a drunk God creating a person)
Angel: You can't put a vagina on this man.
God: And why not? I'm God.
Angel: Well what do you wanna do about the breasts?
God: Take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for.
 • Rating: Unrated

Quagmire: That fat bastard murdered Lois! That son of a bitch; he's a killer like Bernie Getz! You know, the killer from the eighties. I used to do a bit on him back when I did stand-up.
(Flashback to a younger Quagmire on a stage)
Quagmire: Ah, what else is in the news? Oh, oh Bernie Getz. D-Did you hear this? This guy Bernie Getz shot a bunch of muggers on the subway. Wouldn't mind having him when I go see my mother in law. (Microphone whines) No, but really, New York City's a great place to live...if you're a COCKROACH!
Man in Audience: You suck!!
Quagmire: (Sadly) I know.
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian: Great. This is even a bigger waist of time then Ringo's songwriting.
(Cuts to a scene with Paul McCartney, George Harrison and John Lennon in a recording studio when Ringo Starr enters)
Ringo: Hey guys I wrote a song!
Paul: Oh thats great!
John: Oh good Ringo!
George: Fantastic!
Paul: (Takes the song) You know what? I'm gonna put it right here. (hangs it up on a refrigerator) Right on the refrigerator. That way we'll get to see it everyday.
Ringo: All right!
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Season 6 Episode 3: "Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air"

Quagmire: Alright Peter, this is a tough one. Alright, you ready for this? Okay, would you have sex with Cleveland, if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie?
Peter: Uhhh, yeah, yeah I'd probably do it.
Quagmire: Hang on, hang on. Missionary, and you have to look him in the eye. No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else.
Peter: (Pauses) I think still, yes.
Cleveland: Thank you Peter.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Hartman: I'm sorry Mayor McCheese, but I'm not sure if any cosmetic surgery is even possible.
Mayor McCheese: Look, if it's a financial issue...
Dr. Hartman: Well it's not an issue of money, your head is a cheeseburger. There is no blood flow to it, it's just dead cow meat.
Mayor McCheese: Alright, well, I appreciate you giving it to me straight.
Dr. Hartman: Alright then, have a tasty afternoon.
Mayor McCheese: (laughs slighly)
Dr. Hartman: Ah, there's a smile.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Bonnie and Joe are in bed)
Bonnie: Oh Joe, that was amazing.
Joe: I know, I was there.
Bonnie: My god, we haven't done it in so long, I'd forgotten how big you were.
Joe: I was going to say the same thing to you.
(Bonnie looks surprised)
 • Rating: Unrated

(Joe introduces his new friends)
Joe: I'm taking my new friends. This is Parker, Quentin, and Portland.
Cleveland: Is Portland the black one?
Joe: Portland is the black one.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are in the Drunken Clam)
Peter: Hey, check it out you guys. I got a new cell phone that takes pictures. Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo.
(they all laugh)
Quagmire: Oh, that's hilarious. You should email that to me.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: ...besides we're not hurting anybody.
Lois: What are you talking about?! You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house.
(Stewie looking out forlornly from the open wall of his room)
Stewie: What is this?! There's something wrong with the house... I don't like change.
 • Rating: Unrated

Peter: We need to take care of Joe. It's the right thing to do, just like taking out Hitler. (Scene cuts to Adolf Hitler on a unicycle, juggling fish. Peter walks in knocks him down and punches him.)
Peter: (Referring to an earlier scene) You see? We had a plan for that all along.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Cleveland: Wow, thanks, Spider-Man!
Spider-Man: Everybody gets one. (to Peter) Tell 'em, Peter.
Peter: (to Cleveland) Uh, apparently, everybody gets one.
Spider-Man: Bingo! (shoots web string and swings off)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bonnie: Joe, can't we talk about this?
Joe: There's nothing to talk about. I've outgrown you, Bonnie. I need to spread my legs and fly.
 • Rating: Unrated

Joe: All right, we're gonna do it once more!
(everyone else groans in agony)
Joe: And this time, NO MISTAKES! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!
(Cleveland begins playing the piano, while the others dance)
Peter, Joe and Quagmire: (singing) Good mornin', good mornin'!
Cleveland: It's great to stay up late!
Peter, Joe and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin', to you!
Peter: When the band began to play,
The stars were shinin' bright!
Quagmire: But now the milkman's on his way.
It's too late to say good night!
Joe: (screaming at Quagmire) SO SAY GOOD MORNIN'!!!!!!
Quagmire: AHH! (starts sobbing) Good mornin'!
(everyone continues dancing)
Sunbeams will soon smile through.
Peter, Joe and Quagmire: Good mornin', good mornin', to you!
(the song ends, but Stewie pops out from behind the couch and continues by himself)
Stewie: Nothin' could be grander than to be in Louisiana!
In the mornin', in the mor- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 6 Episode 2: "Movin' Out (Brian's Song)"

Carl: Hey, Meg.
Meg: Hey, Carl.
Carl: Why are you always here by yourself? Are you like a bitch or something?
 • Rating: Unrated

Stewie: Oh, Vince Vaughn is on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Here's my summary of every Vince Vaughn movie: Oh, I'm incapable of loving another person. Oh wait, no I'm not. The end.
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian: (answers door) Stewie, hey, what's up?
Stewie: Oh, I was just on my way back from the cobbler. Figured before I stopped by the apothecary I'd come here, and then its off to the haberdasher. These turn of the century business jokes doing anything for ya?
Brian: Not really.
Seamus: (to Stewie, from down the hall) Did ya use the jokes?
Stewie: Yeah, they're not landing.
Seamus: (groans)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Herbert: Well OshKosh B'gosh, it's a brand new paperboy. That's a mighty full sack you're carrying.
Stewie: Piss off you perverted old freak.
Herbert: Oh, we got a fighter.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Carl: Uh Chris, you ever see the movie Cruel Intentions?
Chris: No.
Carl: Oh, Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out, it's pretty hot. Fourty-seven minutes, sixteen seconds in.
Chris: No way!
Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what's another great movie? Career Opportunities with Jennifer Connolly. I mean, that's one of those movies that... I mean, she's really hot in it, but it's also a good movie.
Chris: She was in A Beautiful Mind, and I've got to say, the direction was excellent, but I was very disappointed that she, um, wore clothes the entire film.
Carl: Was she hot in it?
Chris: Yeah, in the way that like, classy women with expensive clothing, who never take them off are hot. Ya know?
Carl: (pauses) No.
Chris: Alright, so ya see a hot girl, and you're like "okay, I appreciate your exterior beauty, because you've definitely worked at it. With the clothing and the jewelry, and the makeup and stuff." But secretly, I'm just like "hey man, where is the chase, and how do I cut to it?"
Carl: Wow, you're smart.
Chris: W...what?
 • Rating: Unrated

Brian: She's gone. Jillian's gone.
Stewie: Look Brian, I know you're upset now, but I think it's important to see things in perspective. Remember when Alex P. Keaton lost his girlfriend, and then he got another one and everything was alright? And then he got Parkinson's...yikes.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: So Meg, any luck in finding another job?
Meg: No, hardly anybody is hiring right now. The only job I could find was for a phone sex line and I sucked at it.
(cuts to living room, Meg is on the couch talking on the phone)
Meg: What am I wearing? Um, a hat, and glasses. What kind of underwear? Um, I don't know, big underwear I guess. I'm sorry, what? Oh, what would I do to you? Well, um, I guess maybe we'd get pizza, and we could watch House?
(Cuts to Peter upstairs, also on the phone)
Peter: Alright, I am totally flaccid, but thank you anyway ma'am, I appreciate your time. (hangs up the phone)
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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