Family Guy

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Stewie: (to Stan Smith) I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.
Stan: What? It's Stan.
Stewie: Oh, sorry. You look sort of like someone from- Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you.

(Brian and Stewie back out of the driveway)
Stewie: Oooh, there's Joe. Say "Joe, I think you're cool."
Brian: Joe, I think you're cool.
Joe: Well, thank you Brian. That's gonna get me through the rest of this yard work.
Stewie: No, just kidding, you suck.
Brian: (to Joe) No, just kidding, you suck.
Stewie: Queer.
Brian: (to Joe) Queer. (Brian drives away)
Joe: Ah, well there goes my smile.

Won't be long before the police notice Cleveland's disappearance. Black man gone missing, my God the media will be all over that.

Stewie

Joe: (knocking on the door) Hey, everything okay in there? I heard shouting.
Stewie: Dog, answer it. Tell him "Yes, everything's fine."
Brian: (opens the door) Yes Joe, everything's fine.
Joe: Ah, okay, good.
Stewie: (hiding behind the door, telling Brian what to say) Make fun of his wheelchair.
Brian: What?
Joe: What?
Stewie: Do it! Say "ha ha ha ha ha ha, you're in a wheelchair."
Brian: (to Joe) Ha ha ha ha ha ha, you're in a wheelchair.
Joe: What's that supposed to mean?
Stewie: Say "I bet you can't get a boner."
Brian: (to Joe) I bet you can't get a boner.
Joe: That's not very nice, Brian.
Stewie: "Neither is your mother's ass."
Brian: (to Joe) Neither is your mother's ass.
Joe: Well, I'll give you that one.
Stewie: Now tell him you've always thought he was handsome.
Brian: (to Joe) I've always thought you were handsome.
Joe: Well, I gotta tell you Brian, I'm relieved to hear you say that. Please call me if you see any sign of Stewie.
Stewie: Tell him "ha ha ha ha ha ha, just kidding about the handsome thing.
Brian: Oh come on.
Stewie: Do it!
Brian: Come on, that meant a lot to him.
(Stewie cocks the gun)
Brian: (to Joe) Ha ha ha ha ha ha, just kidding about the handsome thing.
Joe: Ah, well that's, uh disappointing. I needed that boost today.

(The family returns home)
Brian: Boy, I sure hope they find him. Otherwise we're all gonna be-
(a gun cocks, camera cuts to Stewie)
Stewie: So, it's all out in the open now, isn't it?
Peter: Stewie, uh, how long have you been all messed up and evil like this?
Stewie: Oh, so now you're interested in Stewie? Last week when I made that macaroni picture of an owl, you didn't give a damn!
Peter: That was an owl?
Stewie: Yes, and now we're going to look at it again. (Hits Peter in the knees, and drags him over to the picture. Stewie begins yelling while holding a gun to Peter's head) Look, Look, do you like it?!
Peter: (scared) Yes.
Stewie: What do you like about it specifically?!
Peter: (scared) I don't know.
Stewie: Pick something or I'll blow your brains out!
Peter: (scared) I like... how it looks like an owl.
Stewie: Thank you for the compliment!

Tom Tucker: Good Evening, I'm Tom Tucker with Channel 5 News. We now go live to Ollie Williams, recapping the events of the last episode of Family Guy. What happened last time Ollie?
Ollie: (yelling) Stewie killed Lois!
Tom: Then what?
Ollie: (yelling) Peter got blamed!
Tom: Then what?
Ollie: (yelling) Peter went to court!
Tom: Then what?
Ollie: (yelling) Lois came back!
Tom: How?
Ollie: (yelling) Wasn't really dead!
Tom: Thanks Ollie, and now part two.

Brian: Great. This is even a bigger waist of time then Ringo's songwriting.
(Cuts to a scene with Paul McCartney, George Harrison and John Lennon in a recording studio when Ringo Starr enters)
Ringo: Hey guys I wrote a song!
Paul: Oh thats great!
John: Oh good Ringo!
George: Fantastic!
Paul: (Takes the song) You know what? I'm gonna put it right here. (hangs it up on a refrigerator) Right on the refrigerator. That way we'll get to see it everyday.
Ringo: All right!

Farewell Brian, I'm off to sea. An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen; sperm whales and seamen. Oooh, a swallow.

Stewie

Ship Officer: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois: We are so sorry. Peter, what the hell do you thing you were doing?
Peter: Lois, it is called "the poop deck", that is why I pooped there.
Ship Officer: You're disgusting.
Peter: And you're misleading.

(Stewie drags in a wagon full of weapons)
Brian: What are you doing?
Stewie: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me. When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her finger nails. Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed.
Brian: Okay.
Stewie: Then I'm going to make her crawl on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back.
Brian: Uh, and then what are you going to do?
Stewie: Uhh, let's see.
Brian: You gonna shower her off after all that candle wax?
Stewie: No, I'm gonna keep her filthy!
Brian: Yeah, she's been a bad girl
Stewie: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brazier.
Brian: (laughs)
Stewie: What?
Brian: No, no nothing, nothing. That's all part of your diabolical plan to...humiliate her.
Stewie: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated.
Brian: Maybe you'll handcuff her, she'll hate that.
Stewie: Then I shall do that as well.
Brian: And call her a bitch.
Stewie: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop.
Stewie: Yes, and then-- what?
Brian: No I mean that would like, t-- that would show her.
Stewie: Are y-? You're getting some kind of sick sexual thrill off of this aren't you?!
Brian: Who cares?! You're not gonna kill her anyway. You're gonna bitch and moan, and then you're gonna do what you always do. The minute Lois walks through that door you're gonna forget all about it, beg for your apple juice, go poop and fall asleep.

Brian: Hey, where've you been?
Peter: I had another date.
Brian: You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. Lois would have wanted you to move on.
Peter: Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. My date was a stick figure.
(scene cuts to restaurant)
Peter: So...I...how would this work...in bed?
Stick Figure: Well, I can't do sex, but I can give you a stick job.
Peter: That, uh, that sounds-
Stick Figure: Yes, it is very unpleasant.
(cuts back to house)
Peter: But the freakiest was that date I had with Bonnie.
(Scene cuts to the Swanson bedroom)
Bonnie: Peter, you don't know how bad I want this.
Peter: I don't know Bonnie, it's just a little weird, Joe's a friend of mine.
Bonnie: No, it's okay, I promise you, it's okay.
Peter: Ehh, I'm not sure.
(pause)
Joe: It's okay Peter.

Prosecutor: Mr. Griffin, do you drink?
Peter: I plead the fifth of Jack. Haha, no, no I'm joking, yes I drink.
Prosecutor: And have you ever struck your wife?
Peter: Only in front of the kids to assert my status as dominant male of the pride.
Prosecutor: Are you a violent man?
Peter: (rolling up his sleves) What are you, a wise guy? Cause I know how to deal with wise guys.
Prosecutor: No further questions.
Peter: You son of a bitch. If I had a gun on a boat I'd shoot you.

Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 158 in total

Family Guy Season 6 Quotes

Stewie: Brian, this is painful. It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American.
(scene cuts to coffee shop)
Guy #1: Oh man, what a good bunch of partying at that disco-tech. They played one of my audience requests.
Guy #2: Way awesome! I myself drank like five liters of beer. Any more and I would have ended up in hospital man.
Guy #1: Oh you said it friend, but I wanted to stay, because I almost had sex on this girl.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, but it was so expensive. Each drink was like six dollars forty!

You can kiss the lower part of the back of the canister that is my body!

Cleveland (R2-D2)
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