Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Look at all those guys. Eww! The sidewalk is going to smell like pee-pee now.

Lily

Only two things could cause that commotion - boobs.

Barney

Ted: So do you ever date cute idiots?
Cindy: Almost exclusively.

Ted: What's Lily gonna say when she finds out.
Marshall: Lily's not going to find out. I have a system.
[five seconds later]
Lily: You smoked.
Marshall: Dammit!

Marshall: This is it. Last. Cigarette. Ever!
Ted: What are you doing? You haven't smoked in six months? Is this about the McRib? Seriously, dude. Let it go.

[walks in, sees Robin bent over in yoga pose, smoking] I just left something like this in my apartment.

Barney

Don: Look, Robin. You seem like a nice kid, but this is my 39th morning news show, and from those 39 shows I've learned a few things. 1. Avoid the all you can eat sushi buffet in Bismarck. 2. Don't go to the bathroom with your lapel mic still on, and 3. Your entire audience at this hour is one half-drunk slob sitting in his underwear.
Robin: Well let's do a great show for that half-drunk slob.

Lily: Maybe smoking isn't so bad. It gets us out in the fresh air.
Barney: Yeah and all the coughing really works my abs.

Robin: If I can't even get my best friends to watch my show, then what viewers can I possibly get?
Marshall: Lots of people! Bed-ridden insomniacs ... bums peering in department store windows ... people in the ER, where the TV is in a cage and you can't change the channel ...
Lily: Ooh, do you have any stalkers?
Robin: Yeah, but even Leonard won't watch.

Barney: Remember when we used to be able to smoke IN bars?
[flash back to smoke-filled haze]
Ted: Hey dude, I think that hot girl over there is smiling at me.
Barney: Uhh, that's a chair. But yeah, dude, hit that!

Ted: They're dividing our group into smokers and non-smokers. That's not healthy.
Barney: You're right. [pause] Let's go have a smoke!

What do you think cigarettes are doing right now? Do you think they're thinking of us?

Barney
Displaying quotes 157 - 168 of 267 in total

How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Quotes

Barney: Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Daughters, lock up your MILSWANCA's.
Marshall: MILSWANCA's?
Ted: Oh wait, I can get this. Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With and Never Call Again
Barney: Correct, circle gets a square

My panties would hit the floor so hard they'd end up halfway to China.

Robin
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