Modern Family

Wednesdays 9:00 PM on ABC
Modern family
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You said that everything you needed to learn you'd learn from Westside Story.

Jay

Maybe you should come to the doctor and I'll ... get rid of it!

Phil

I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.

Phil

You're so cute when you're angry with you're little fists. I just want to put you in my pocket.

Cameron

Oh man, if a spider would have broken in here, he would have been in trouble.

Cameron [to Mitchell]

I'm going to teach him the real version, not the Colombian version. We actually use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.

Jay [on teaching Manny chess]

Phil: It's like a movie theater, library and a music store all rolled in to one... awesome pad.
Alex [to Haley]: A library is a place where people get books
Haley [to Alex]: A movie theater is a place where people go on dates.

The iPad comes out on my actual birthday. It's like Steve Jobs and God got together to say, "we love you, Phil."

Phil

Claire [after eating Haley's cupcakes]: Do we still have the number for poison control?
Phil: I love you, Claire, I'll always love you!
Luke: My mouth is asleep like at the dentist.

Phil: I'm really sorry for not underestimating Luke enough.
Claire: Well that means a lot to me.

Gloria: This part of town, might be very rough, but the people here, Cameron, are the best!
Cameron: I'm pretty sure I had wheels when I parked here.

Cameron: I was nervous. There was a lot of different food on the menu, and on the floor and on the wall.
Mitchell: Are we sure we're not exaggerating just a little bit?
Cameron: Were you there, Mitchell? Because I think I would have recognized the only other white or gay person.

Displaying quotes 73 - 84 of 300 in total

Modern Family Season 1 Quotes

The recipe is from the now-defunct Gourmet magazine. Why do all the things I love go away?

Cam

The new maid keeps mixing up my underwear with Manny's. Put on the first thing I grabbed. It was like a crotch tourniquet.

Jay