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Phil: Dad, what's up?
Frank: Nothing, but these boxers are starting to ride high.
Phil: I'm in no mood for jokes... although that was a good one. You still got it.

Mitchell's new boss: Do you guys surf?
Cameron: Only for bargains on the Web!

You're doing great, Luke, if your goal is to suck!

Basketball Coach

Business partners, mergers and acquisitions. Just kidding, we're gay!

Cameron [on his relationship with Mitchell]

Alex, honey, when you're out shopping, you might want to pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now but your little boobies are going to come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten!


I'm going to have to go talk it over with my bull in a china shop.


A relationship with your father-in-law is tough. You need to prove you can stand up to him, while being respectful. It's like walking a tightrope, which by the way I can do, because I went to trapeze school.


I'm gonna introduce him to the Captain... and Tenille.

Phil [on his fists]

Manny: Any suggestions?
Jay: I usually go with earrings

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