I wanted to tell Haley the dangers of starting a family too early but what could I say that couldn't have been said better by a screaming baby?


Maybe we can pump Marcus full of whatever we gave those bike riders.


It's like scrabble with Haley. After awhile you're just playing against yourself.


Mitchell: Suck it Nancy!
Pepper: I was just trying to help.

Son of a bitch you're an embarrassment! You're kicking up more sand than a sea turtle laying eggs.


Alex: You maybe wanna take a shift carrying this dry ice?
Gloria: No I just had a baby.
Alex: I watched you carry Manny to bed.

Classmate: Why is it taking you so long? How hard is it for you to paint a wall?
Luke: A lot harder than your so-called singing. At least this is supposed to be flat.

First rule of golf, shhh.


I'm sorry for dozens of things everyday that actually happen, if I start apologizing for things that don't happen how productive of a person would I be?


Don't ever ask me about my business Claire.


We're not bad parents, Claire is!

Cam [to Mitchell]

Haley: Dad tried to fix all our problems and instead ruined all our lives.
Alex: Nightmare.
Claire: You girls are so dramatic. Do I need to call you a wambulance?

Modern Family Season 4 Quotes

So what you're saying is you have a child shaped hole in your heart and you wanna stuff a cat into it.

Mitchell [to Cam]

Jay was really explicit about what he wanted to do for his 65th birthday, but luckily Phil Dunphy knows how to read between the lines.