Dr. Cox: Tell me, did ya happen to come across any pamphlets on people who only work eight days a year and then spend the other 357 whining about it?
Jordan: What part of "I'm not fighting with you anymore" do you not get? If you want someone to fight with, you have to find someone else. Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox: Oh, good. Here you're wetting down the floor for the older folks.
Janitor: Please say that you're talking to me.
Dr. Cox: I don't see anybody else around, soap jockey.

Dr. Cox: Jordan, you are an unpredictable passionate person and you challenge me each and every day and honestly, that's the reason I can imagine being with you when I'm seventy and your sixty-five and your face is forty and your boobs are twenty-nine.
Jordan: My face will never look forty.
Dr. Cox: You're right, my bad.

J.D.: Turk, I need your help, man. It's about Elliot.
Marko: Why, did you sleep with her again?
J.D.: How does everybody know about this?

Turk: I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. Yeah, like you got right now! Just like that one! I love that you're the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
J.D.: Turk!
Turk: Dude, I'm workin' here. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's our rehearsal dinner. I came here tonight because, when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Carla: Turk.
Turk: Yeah, baby?
Carla: That's the speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'.

Jordan: I refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey. Which reminds me - Jimmy's mom called, and if you guys win the big game today, she's gonna take everybody to Chuck E. Cheese!
Dr. Cox: Say the word and I'll go out and buy a whole new wardrobe; and to pay for it we'll just sell one of your shoes!

Tell me this, how do you not scare him when you go in there? Do you wear a nanny mask or do you just slap on a name tag that says "Hi I'm your Mommy?"

Dr. Cox

J.D.: What the hell you doing with that guy?
Danni: I don't know. I thought it'd be cool to date a celebrity.
J.D.: He's not a celebrity!
J.D.'s Narration: Wait a second!
J.D.: Are you the Soup Nazi from 'Seinfeld'?
Larry: No.
J.D.: Say the soup thing.
Larry: No!
J.D.: Dammit!

I don't necessarily buy into all that new agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.

Dr. Cox

J.D.'s Narration: Maybe Elliot's just not the right fit for me. I mean, I'm the kinda guy who likes stupid movies.
Elliot: Hey, let's rent "Kangaroo Jack" tonight!
J.D.'s Narration: And I have uncontrollable hostility towards small rodents.
Elliot: Or we could just go shoot rats at the dump!
J.D.'s Narration: Dammit! She is perfect in theory.

Carla: Why is your mouth red?
Dr. Cox: Duct-taped two hours in a morgue drawer; don't piss off the Janitor; end of story.
Carla: ...'Kay... I'm ordering more pens. Do you like twisty bottoms or clicky tops?
Dr. Cox: I can't imagine anything I care less about.
Dr. Kelso: Damn these twisty bottoms. We need some more clicky tops.
Dr. Cox: Not gonna happen, Bob. Here I just told Carla to order a hundred thousand twisty bottoms.
Dr. Kelso: Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me?
Dr. Cox: No, Bob. Everybody gets the same.
Dr. Kelso: Fine. I'll just take these.

Elliot: God, I can't remember the last time I saw you in this suit and tie.
J.D.: How can you not remember that time we were with those-
Elliot: Oh, God! With the two guys!
J.D.: -the two guys, and their mom was trying to sing that song!
Elliot: It was so funny!
J.D.: So funny... Till they had to... put their horse down.
Elliot: Oh, yeah...
Elliot/J.D.: Poor Cinnamon.
Elliot: He could run like the wind, but his tail couldn't put out that fire.

Marko: Aw come on man! That was "When Harry Met Sally" - it was a classic!
Turk: Aww yeah dude, you know I was gonna rent that the other night but then I remembered I was a heterosexual.

Scrubs Season 3 Quotes

Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met.

Dr. Kelso

Lady: Love your Hairmet.
J.D.: Love yours!