Turk: Oh, my God. My future brother-in-law is an evil genius!
Elliot: I'm gonna go, uh, check on "Sally"! Ha!... Okay, not funny yet.

Carla: Have you been working on your vows?
Turk: Define "work."
Carla: It's the difference between special birthday sex and no sex on our wedding night.
Turk: Yeah, I do like the special birthday sex.

Dr. Cox: Those pants make your ass look giant.
Jordan: Stop doing this.
Dr. Cox: I'm doing it for us. You suck at Scrabble.
Jordan: Do I look mad?
Dr. Cox: You got so much Botox in your expressionless face, I can't tell.

Turk: So I take it you haven't broken up with her yet.
J.D.: Yeah, I decided to stay with her forever.
Turk: That's great, dude. I know you think you're being nice, but I'm pretty sure Elliot doesn't want to spend her life with someone who doesn't love her.
J.D.: Oh, you know what? If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go ahead and take relationship advice from someone whose fiancee is currently speaking to him. Ohhhh!
Turk: Ohhhh-ho!
J.D.: Gimme some champagne! I need a victory sip!

Catch me, stud!... You know, most guys woulda caught me. I love that you didn't!

Elliot

Baby, you mean so much to me. That's why you my baby. And, yeah, there were babies before you, but I promise you, baby, you will be my baby forever, baby... Stop saying "baby"!

Turk

Jordan: What else you got?
Dr. Cox: Well, when it's my turn to listen to the baby monitor, I just wait till you're asleep and I turn it off!
Jordan: Perry, give it up. There's nothing you can say!
Dr. Cox: Oh... You and your mother are basically the same person.
Jordan: What did you say!? I'm gonna kill you!

Dr. Kelso: You just bought yourself four weekends on call! Damn twisty bottoms!
Carla: You just said you didn't care. Why are you fighting?
Dr. Cox: I can't stop!

I can only assume you're saying "Let me out or I'm gonna kill ya"...not gonna happen. Listen, I'm in a rare position of power here, okay? So I'm only gonna let you out if you admit that you're my mentor. I know! I know that makes you angry, but-- Uh-oh! Okay! Okay! You know, I'm fine the other way! However you wanna do--

J.D.

Turk: Dude, I would love to help right now, but I'm in the middle of writing my vows. And all I've got so far is, "Let's give it up for the caterers! WOO! Good chicken!"
J.D.: So now that you're gettin' married, it's all about you.
Turk: No, now that I'm getting married tomorrow, it's about me.
Marko: Ooh, still seems that you can take a minute for a friend.
J.D.: I know!
Turk: Shut up, Marko!

I don't necessarily buy into all that new agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.

Dr. Cox

Dr. Cox: Tell me, did ya happen to come across any pamphlets on people who only work eight days a year and then spend the other 357 whining about it?
Jordan: What part of "I'm not fighting with you anymore" do you not get? If you want someone to fight with, you have to find someone else. Mm-hmm.
Dr. Cox: Oh, good. Here you're wetting down the floor for the older folks.
Janitor: Please say that you're talking to me.
Dr. Cox: I don't see anybody else around, soap jockey.

Scrubs Season 3 Quotes

Dr. Kelso: Ahhh! Dr. Turkleton!
Turk: Actually, sir, it's Turk.
Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.
Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?

Dr. Cox: Oh, hey, honey. Are you waking up?
Jordan: Why are you in such a hurry?
Dr. Cox: I'm not in any kind a hurry!
Jordan: Did you dress me?
Dr. Cox: Fine. Carla scares me, okay? She may be small, but she has very powerful legs.