Jerry: We'll give the keys to Elaine.
Elaine: Me?
Jerry: Yeah. You're a woman. Men won't hit a woman.
Elaine: Oh, they won't?
Jerry: Not if they don't know you.

(as George picks up a broken piece of his father's car) You know, a lot of these scratches will buff right out...

Jerry

Jerry: Your father got arrested? What for?
George: Parking in a handicap spot. Right in the middle of his United Volunteers meeting. When he got back, he chased after me with a baseball bat.

Am I a hipster-doofus?

Kramer

Jerry: Hey, what's going on?
Angry Woman: Some jerk parked in the handicap spot, so this woman in a wheel chair had to wheel up this incline, and half way up her batteries gave out, and she rolled backwards into the wall. They had to take her to St. Elizabeth's...
Jerry: Is she okay?
Angry Woman I don't know. We're just waiting here for the owner of this car to show up. He may not get out alive. Lazy bum! Taking up a handicap spot? He's gonna pay?
Jerry: Sons of bitches.

I love the name 'isosceles'. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.

Kramer

Make sure we dont forget where the car is parked.

Kramer

This is our best model, the Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like, you're almost glad to be handicapped.

Salesman

She's got everything I've ever wanted in another human being ... except for the walking.

Kramer

George: I hate this mall, there are never any spaces here...
Kramer: Why don't you park in front of the hydrent?
George: What if there's a fire?
Kramer: Now what are the chances of that?

What am I, hard of smelling?

Elaine

(The car has been washed, but Jerry realizes that the smell is still there)
Jerry: Wait a minute! It still smells! It still smells!
(Cut to Carl's apartment, where he smells Elaine's hair)
Carl: It still smells.

Seinfeld Quotes

I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate. I've got it all!

George

George: Why don't they have salsa on the table?
Jerry: What do you need salsa for?
George: Salsa is now the number one condiment in America.
Jerry: You know why? Because people like to say "salsa." "Excuse me, do you have any salsa?" We need more salsa." "Where's the salsa? No salsa?"
George: You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa. "I wanted seltzer, not salsa!"
Jerry: "Don't you know the difference between seltzer and salsa?! You have the seltzer after the salsa!"