Uh, hello. Um, hi. Um, I know that you're acting out your father issues by dyeing your hair with that trashy peroxide and dry humping that man on my couch, but I don't think it's nice to expose your child to this behavior.

Sheila [to Sami]

Sheila: How are your headaches?
Frank: You can't feel a persons headache by touching his head.

V: I'm done. The milk bar is closed. We can go to formula.
Kev: No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. We are not doing formula. They will grow up with asthma and be short and have no friends.

I'm the one he's chosen to spend his life with. You're just one lucky sperm.


He's not my boyfriend now. He's my friend until I'm 16 and it's legally consensual for us to have intercourse.


Frank: Who the hell is Gary?
Sammi: He's one of your new Native American kids. I think he's the one with the Justin Bieber haircut.

Jesus guys, it's 90 days in country club jail. It's not Guantanamo. She's probably learning a useful trade and brushing up on her Spanish.


Nobody's gonna roll me. I carry pepper spray and a shiv.


Mickey have a seat man. Nobody give a shit who you bang.


I feel a little bit like "Pretty Woman."


What's the point of getting a new liver if the damn thing won't do what it's designed to do?


Mental illness Russian Roulette with Monica's DNA as the bullet.


Shameless Quotes

Lip: What exactly does hooked up mean?
Kevin: Last I checked penis goes into the vagina.

Surround sound bitching is the only thanks I get.