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Santa: Ok Jesus, here's one you might remember. (begins singing Duran Duran's "Rio") Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand. Just like that river twistin' through the dusty land.
Jesus: Uh. Santa, Santa, Santa, that's not a Christmas song.
Santa: I know, but there's, like, 300 Jesus Christmas songs and only four f***ing Santa ones!

Shelly is starting to get pissed, on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day. Shelly got up and killed the turds on Christmas day in the morning!

Shelly (<i>singing</i>)

The Mr. Hankey Song:
We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose
And we all know Frosty who's made out of snow
But all of those stories seem kind of gay
Cause we all know who brightens up our holiday
Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo
Small and brown, he comes from you
Sit on the toilet, here he comes
Squeeze in between your festive buns
A present from down below
Spreading joy with a "Howdy Ho"
He's seen the love inside of you
Cause he's a piece of poo
Sometimes he's nutty
Sometimes he's corny
He can be brown or greenish brown
But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve
He might come to your town
Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo
He loves me, I love you
therefore vicariously he loves you
Kid: I can make a Mr. Hankey too!
Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho!
I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Season's greetings to all of you
Let's sing songs and dance and play
Now before I melt away
Here's a game I like to play
Stick me in your mouth and try to say
"Howdy ho ho, yum yum yum
Christmas Time has come"
Sometimes he's runny
Sometimes he's perfect
Sometimes he's practically water
Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass
And won't fall in the toilet
Cause he's just clinging to your sphincter
And he won't drop off
So you shake your ass around trying to get it to drop in the toilet and finally it does
Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo
When Christmas leaves, he must leave too
Flush him down, but he's never gone
His smell and spirit linger on

Carol of the Bells song:
MR. MACKEY: Uh, Hark! hear the bells
Sweet silver bells
All seem to say,
"Ding Dong Mmmkay."
Christmas is here
Bringing good cheer
To young and old
Meek and the bold
Ding, dong, ding, dong
That is their song
With joyful ring (mmmkay)
All caroling
One seems to hear
Words of good cheer
From everywhere
Filling the air (mmmkay)
O, how they pound
Raising their sound
Or' Here and There
Telling their Tail
Gaily they ring
While people sing (mmmkay)
Songs of good cheer (mmmkay)
Christmas is here
Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
On, on they send
On without end
Their joyful tone
To every home (mmmkay)
Hark! Hear the bells
Sweet silver bells
All seem to say,
"Ding Dong Mmmkay."
On, on they send (mmmkay)
On without end
Their joyful tone (mmmkay)
To every home
Ding dong ding dong .. mmmkay
Mmmkay

Satan: Well I tell you what,
Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas, right here.
C'mon everyone, gather `round!
Christmas Time in Hell lyrics - sung primarily by Satan
String up the lights and light up the tree.
We're going to make some revelry!
Spirits are high, so I can tell,
It's Christmas time in hell!
Demons are nicer as you pass them by.
There's lots of demon toys to buy.
The snow is falling, and all is well
It's Christmas time in hell!
There goes Jeffery Dahmer, with a festive Christmas ham.
After he has sex with, it he'll eat up all he can.
And there goes John F. Kennedy caroling with his son.
Reunited for the holidays.
God bless us, everyone!
Everybody has a happy glow!
Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow.
Even Mao Tse-Tung is under the spell.
It's Christmas time in hell!
Adolf, here's a present for you.
Hitler: Oh? Ein Tannenbaum!
Satan: Yes, Ein Tannenbaum!
God cast me down from Heaven's door,
To rule in hell for evermore.
But now I'm kinda glad that I fell,
'Cause it's Christmas time in hell!
Here's a rack to hang the stockings on,
We still have to shop for Genghis Kahn!
Michael Landon's hair looks swell!
It's Christmas time in hell!
There's Princess Diana holding burning mistletoe,
Over poor Gene Siskel's head; just watch his weenie grow!
For one day we all stop burning and the flames are not so thick.
All the screaming and the torture stops, as we wait for old Saint Nick!
String up the lights and light up the tree.
We're damned for all eternity.
But for just one day all is well,
It's Christmas time in hell!
Gather close together, and make it quick!
We've gotta make room for Andy Dick.
Wake his mother and ring the bell,
It's Christmas time...
(Christmas time... Christmas time... Christmas time...)
Christmas time...
(Christmas time... Christmas time... Christmas time...)
It's Christmas time in hell!
George Bailey: (walking by) Merry Christmas Movie House!

Merry F(beep)king Christmas song:
MR. GARRISON: I heard there is no Christmas,
In the silly Middle East.
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus,
They have different religious beliefs.
They believe in Muhammad,
And not in our holiday,
And so every December,
I go to the Middle East and say,
"Hey there Mr. Muslim,
Merry f(beep)king Christmas,
Put down that book the Koran,
And hear some holiday wishes.
In case you haven't noticed,
It's Jesus's birthday.
So get off your heathen Muslim ass,
and f(beep)king celebrate."
There is no holiday season in India I've heard,
They don't hang up their stockings,
And that is just absurd!
They've never read a Christmas story.
They don't know what Rudolph is about,
And that is why in December,
I'll go to India and shout,
"Hey there Mr. Hinduist,
Merry f(beep)king Christmas,
Drink eggnog and eat some beef
And pass it to the missus.
In case you haven't noticed,
It's Jesus's birthday.
So get off your heathen Hindu ass,
and f(beep)king celebrate!"
Now I heard that in Japan,
Everyone just lives in sin,
They pray to several gods,
And put needles in their skin.
On December 25th,
All they do is eat a cake.
And that is why I go to Japan,
And walk around and say,
"Hey there Mr. Shintoist,
Merry f(beep)king Christmas,
God is going to kick your ass,
You infidelic pagan scum.
In case you haven't noticed,
There's festive things to do,
So lets all rejoice for Jesus,
And Merry f(beep)king Christmas to you."
On Christmas day I travel `round the world and say,
"Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists too,
Merry F(beep)king Christmas, To You!"
(Clapping)
Thank you, Mr. Hat.

The Dreidel Song:
KYLE: Ok, Ike, you're my little brother, so I have to teach you how to celebrate Hannukah. This is called a dreidel, and you spin it around and sing this song: I have a little dreidel, I made it out of clay, and when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play. Oh, dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, dreidel dreidel dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
CARTMAN: Hey, what the hell are you doing?
KYLE: Oh, hey Cartman! We're playing dreidel, you wanna try?
CARTMAN: Sure! (Singing:) Here's a little dreidel, that's small and made of clay, but I'm not gonna play with it 'cuz dreidel's freaking gay!
KYLE: Hey! Shut your mouth fatass!
CARTMAN: Jews......play stupid games......Jews.....that's why they're lame!
KYLE: Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, dreidel dreidel dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
STAN: Hey, whatcha doing? Oh, that Hannukah thing.
CARTMAN: It's SO amazing, you spin this little thing on the ground and it goes 'round and 'round, I could watch it all day.
STAN: Here, let me try (singing:) I'll try to make it spin, it fell, I'll try again.
(Stan repeats and Kyle starts singing at the same time as Stan's repeat.)
KYLE: Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, dreidel dreidel dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
(Now Cartman starts singing with them)
CARTMAN: Jews.........play stupid games......Jews..........that's why they're lame!
SHEILA: Hello, boys.
KYLE: Hi, mom!
SHEILA: Oh, you're all playing dreidel, how precious. You know, dreidel's a time-honored tradition to the Hebrew culture.
CARTMAN: Yes, we know Ms. Broflovski, it's so very interesting.
KYLE's MOM: (singing:) Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin, you know our people always win, keep spinning. (She repeats, Cartman starts again)
CARTMAN: Jews.......play stupid games.......Jews.......that's why they're lame!
KYLE: Oh, hi dad!
GERALD: Hello everybody, say, can I join in?
KYLE: Sure! (singing:) I have a little dreidel, that's small and made of clay, and when it's dry and ready with dreidel I shall- everybody!
(The next part is all sang at the same time)
KYLE: Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, dreidel dreidel dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
STAN: I'll try to make it spin, it fell, ill try again.
SHEILA: Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin, you know our people always win keep spinning.
CARTMAN: Jews......play stupid games........Jews that's why they're lame!
GERALD: Courtney Cox, I love you, you're so hot on that show.
(Everyone stops singing except Kyle's Dad)
GERALD: Courtney Cox, I love you, you're so hot on that show.
KYLE: Dad, we're singing about a dreidel.
GERALD: Oh.....sorry
SHEILA: We'll talk about this later Gerald!
(The next part is all sang at the same time)
STAN: I'll try to make it spin, it fell, I'll try again.
SHEILA: Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin, you know our people always win keep spinning.
CARTMAN: Jews......play stupid games........Jews that's why they're lame!
GERALD: Courtney Cox, I love you, you're so hot on that show.
KYLE: Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, dreidel dreidel dreidel...
EVERYONE: ...with dreidel I shall play!!!!!

Hey Hitler, what's wrong little guy?

Satan

Cartman's Oh Holy night:
Cartman: And, O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Savior's b-b-b-birth.
O holy night! The something something distant
It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie.
Jesus was born and so I get presents.
Thank you, Jesus for being born.
(Whooo-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Fall
(Fa-a-a-a-alllll)
On your knees!
(On your knees)
And, hear
(Can't you heaaar)
The angel's... something
(Voices!)
O night
(O night!)
Divine
(Divine!)
The night when I get presents;
(O-o-o)
O night
(O night!)
Beeef-caaakkkeee, O night;
O night devine!
Ehh.. chmm

Mr Hankey's Have Yourself a Merry Christmas
Mr. Hankey: Well, I guess that's about the end of my Christmas album. Gosh, it was sure nice hanging
out with y'all again! And I guess if there's just one thing I have left to say, it would be this:
Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
Let your heart be light.
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
Make the yuletide gay.
From now on, our troubles will be miles away.
All: Here we are, as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.
Boys: Through the years, we all will be together,
If the fates allow.
Mr. Hankey: Hang a shining star upon the highest bough,
All: And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.
Cartman: Time to go, Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey: Good-bye, everybody!
(Flush)
And Merry Christmas!!
Kyle: Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year.

Jesus: "Oh, come on Santa you can't leave."
Santa: "No, f(beep) you Jesus!"

Displaying all 11 quotes

South Park Season 3 Episode 15 Quotes

Shelly is starting to get pissed, on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day. Shelly got up and killed the turds on Christmas day in the morning!

Shelly (<i>singing</i>)

Santa: Ok Jesus, here's one you might remember. (begins singing Duran Duran's "Rio") Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand. Just like that river twistin' through the dusty land.
Jesus: Uh. Santa, Santa, Santa, that's not a Christmas song.
Santa: I know, but there's, like, 300 Jesus Christmas songs and only four f***ing Santa ones!