South Park

South Park Season 1 Quotes

Episode 13: "Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut"

Chief Running Water: Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as, 'Bear with Wiiide Canyon.'
Cartman: What do you mean?
Chief Running Water: She is, 'Doe who cannot keep legs together.'
Cartman: Huh??
Chief Running Water: Your mom's a slut.
 • Rating: Unrated

Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Narrator: Is it Jimbo?
Jimbo: Daaagh!
Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!
Narrator: Or could it be Ned?
Ned: Could be.
Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski??
Kyle: Dad, how could you?!
Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chef: Boy, what the fudge are you doing?
Cartman: You know just layin' down some rhymes, with the G-folk, know what I'm sayin'
Chef: Get in here!
Cartman: West siy-eede.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ms. Crabtree: COME ON!!! WE'RE RUNNING LATE!!!
Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?
Stan: I said "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch".
Ms Crabtree: Oh. Alright then... (drives away)
Kyle: Whoa dude.
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jimbo: Don't feel too bad there, kid; I never knew who my father was, either. I mean, I did know who he was, and we had some great times together hunting and fishing... Well, hell, you know what I mean!
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem. (to waiter) Another cosmo, please.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: Oh my god! They videotaped killing Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
 • Rating: Unrated

Chief Running Water: (Narrating the flashback) I knew she wanted me because she kept saying romantic things.
Young Liane: Oh, Chief. I want your hot man chowder.
Young Chief: Whoa! Hello!
 • Rating: Unrated

Episode 12: "Mecha-Streisand"

Cartman: I said, 'Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts.' So I kicked him squ-ah in the nuts until he cried like Nancy Kerrigan.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Kyle: Wait, isn't there some rule about not getting to cars with strangers?
Cartman: No, not when money's involved stupid!
 • Rating: Unrated

Barbra Streisand: I'm Barbra Streisand!!
Stan: So.
Barbra Streisand: So!...well...So i'm a very famous and very important individual!
Stan: Like John Elway important?!
Barbra Streisand: What!
Stan: Do you know John Elway?
Barbra Streisand: No!
Stan: Oh, so you're really famous and important, but you don't know John Elway...
 • Rating: Unrated

Guy on the Pony: Thanks Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a triangular object
Kyle: Well I was just digging around, and I was like 'dude! i found the triangle!' and my friends were all like 'dude' and I was all 'dude'...
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: I hate Barbra Streisand! I HATE her! Make her go away!
Stan: My mom always said there were no monsters, but there are. Aren't there, Chef?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Barbra Streisand: (in disguise while talking about the triangle) I want to give you boys a cash reward for finding it; it's worth a lot of money to me...
Stan: Really? Wow, no wonder that Barbra Streisand lady was after it...
Barbra Streisand: Oh, uh, heh heh... Who is that, I might ask?
Kyle: She's this famous old lady who wishes she was still only 45.
(The boys all laugh and Barbra Streisand glares at them.)
Stan: Yeah. You should have seen her nose; it was big enough to land stealth bombers on!
(The boys continue to laugh and Barbra Streisand becomes angered.)
Cartman: Yeah, and talk about a bitch! All my life, I have never-
Barbra Streisand: ENOUGH!!! (the boys stop laughing) I mean, ha ha ha...
 • Rating: Unrated

Officer Barbrady: Shouldn't you kids be in school?
Stan: It's Saturday.
Officer Barbrady: No excuses! Now move along, you little trouble makers!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stan: Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived!
Jesus: Our saviour!
 • Rating: Unrated

Officer Barbrady: What seems to be the problem?
Barbra Streisand: Problem? No problem, officer... I was just introducing myself to these fine young boys.
Cartman: Nuh-uh! She was being a total bitch!
 • Rating: Unrated

Mayor's Aide: Mayor! Barbra Streisand's attacking the town!
Mayor: I heard! Call the National Guard! (to herself) We'll get you, you bitch! And to think, I actually watched your HBO special!
 • Rating: Unrated

Episode 11: "Tom's Rhinoplasty"

Ms. Ellen: Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables. (Cartman raises his hand) Cartman?
Cartman: What's a multiplication table?
Ms. Ellen: Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication? (the class stares back) Well, where did he leave off?
Cartman: We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth is going out with that Richard Greco guy that used to be on 21 Jump Street but then he got his own show for just a little while.
 • Rating: Unrated

Chef: Hello there, children! What's all this I hear about a new teacher?
Kyle: Ms. Ellen, dude; she's beautiful!
Chef: Is she like, uh, Vanessa Williams beautiful or Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? Or is she Erin Grey in the second season of "Buck Rogers" beautiful?
Stan: Yeah, that one!
Chef: (impressed) Wooof! I've got to meet this woman!
 • Rating: Unrated

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