Sheila: You're upsetting the Jewish community!
Mr. Garrison: You are the Jewish community!

Mayor McDaniels: Are there any questions?
(Mr. Garrison raises hand)
Mayor McDaniels: Yes, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
Mayor McDaniels: No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans.
Mr. Garrison: Rats...

Alright, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home. Talking poo is where I draw the line.


Sheila: How dare you include the Nativity in a school play? Don't you realize my son is Jewish?!
Mr. Garrison: ...So?
Sheila: So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?
Mr. Garrison: Because it's Christmas?

Cartman: Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!
Kyle: Shut up, fat boy!
Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.

Stan: Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.
Cartman: Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.
Kyle: No, but I get Channukah presents for eight days.
Cartman: Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.

Cartman: How bout we sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch," in D-minor?
Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch Cartman!

Mr. Garrison: Who knows what a can food drive is?
Cartman: Isn't that where they cut open a chick's stomach to get the baby out?
Mr. Garrison: No, that's a caesarian section, Eric, but remember there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

See, this is what we call an all-you-can-eat buffet. Here you can eat all you want for just $6.99. That why everyone comes here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family because for them, $6.99 is two year's income.


And can't we do a little better than creamed corn, creamed corn, and creamed corn? Please bring in more diverse food, children, or else Kenny's family going to have a pretty corny thanksgiving. (starts laughing) Corny! (laughs) Gravy! (laughs) Corny thanksgiving!

Mr. Garrison

Mr. McCormick: Dear God, we thank you for this... single can of green beans. And even though you took our son from us, and you enjoy tormenting us, we thank you. Amen.
Mrs. McCormick: Um... does anyone have a can opener?
Mr. McCormick: God dammit.

Bebe: I want a Starvin' Marvin!
Pip: Yes! I'll pay $50 for one!

South Park Season 1 Quotes

Stan: Hey Cartman, how come the birthday invitation you gave me says "Green Megaman."
Kyle: Yeah, mine says "Red Megaman."
Cartman: Right, that's what your supposed to get me for my birthday.
Stan: DUDE!?!?! You're not supposed to tell people what to give you for your birthday!
Kyle: Yeah, that's weak.
Cartman: Look it's very simple guys. "Green Megaman" goes with "Red Megaman" and "Yellow Megaman" to make the "Ultra Mega Megaman." You have to have all 3 or it doesn't work, see?
Stan: Up yours Cartman, I'll get you whatever the hell I want.
Cartman: Ohh!!! so maybe you don't want to have any of my moms Cake, Pie, and Ice cream then.
Stan: Oh "Gre..Green Megaman" it is.
Cartman: Now as you can see Kenny, you are to get me "Yellow Megaman," that's because the "Yellow Megaman" is the cheapest one and I know how poor your family is.
(Damien walks to table)
Stan: Hey!?!?! what do you think you're doing new kid?
Cartman: Yeah, you can't sit with us weirdo.
Damien: Infidel's!!!! I will turn you all into "Beasts of Burden"!
Kyle: You can't sit with us new kid, go find another table!
(Damien goes and sits with Pip)
Cartman: (sighs) Anyway Kenny, "Yellow Megaman" is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments in a year, or two.
(Stan, Kyle, and Cartman laugh. Kenny punches Cartman)
Cartman: AYYY!!!!

Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us!
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?
Stan: I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do...