South Park

South Park Season 1 Quotes (Page 5)

Season 1 Episode 6: "Death"

Caller: Jesus, this is...
Jesus: Martin, from Aspen. Yes, I know.
Caller: How'd you know that?
Jesus: Maybe because I'm the son of God, brainiac.
 • Rating: Unrated

Grandpa: What has America's youth come to? Kids won't even kill their own grandparents.
 • Rating: Unrated

Grandpa: What about you? You can kill me, can't you?
Cartman: I would never kill somebody... Not unless they pissed me off.
Grandpa: Oh, is that a fact?? Well, let me tell you something, porky! Your mom was over here earlier today, and I humped her like a little bitch!
Cartman: What?!
Grandpa: That's right!
Stan: Grandpa!
Grandpa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton and had my way with her, too!
Cartman: (angered) Eh...
Grandpa: Choice piece of ass your great-grandma was...
Cartman: YOU PIECE OF CRAP; I'LL KILL YOU!!!
Grandpa: That's the spirit, tubby!
Stan: (pulling Cartman away) C'mon, Cartman. He's just trying to get to you.
Cartman: (getting dragged away) Don't you EVER talk about my mom like that again!
Grandpa: Did I ever tell you about the time I boffed your dad, fatso??
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 5: "An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig"

Dr. Mephisto: With genetic engineering we can correct all of God's horrible mistakes, like German people.
 • Rating: Unrated

Kyle: The next time Shelly is going to hit you tell her: "Shelly, you're my sister and I love you."
Kenny: And I want to take off your bra.
Stan: Sick dude! She's my sister.
Kyle: Try it!
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Mephisto: Have you you kids seen anything unusual lately?
Kyle: We just saw an elephant have sex with a pig.
Dr. Mephisto: No, I said unusual.
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Hat: I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan. You can tell me anything. Now, who hits you? Is it your father or your mother?
Stan: Well, neither one. It's my sister.
Mr. Garrison: Your sister? For God's sake, quit being such a little wuss! Stop wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy, little fu-fu problems. And give me back my cocoa!
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: If a girl pulled that with me I'd be like: "Yo! Why don't you start dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you while you go smoke crack and have sex with some guy in my dad's bed"!
Kyle: Dude, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying Stan's a wuss is all.
 • Rating: Unrated

Ms. Crabtree [about the elephant]: Excuse me, but what is that?
Kyle: That's the new retarded kid.
Ms. Crabtree: Sorry, little girl, but you still can't get on. You'll have to take the special ed bus.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: What is that?
Kyle: That's my new pet elephant. He was supposed to come in from Africa in 46 weeks, but it only took 3 weeks.
Stan: That's cool!
Kyle: No it's not! My mom doesn't let him in because his poop is bigger than the couch.
Cartman: My mom got me a pot-bellied pig, because its poop is small.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: Why don't you go back to San Fransisco with the rest of the Jews?
Kyle: There aren't any Jews in San Fransisco, retard!
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: What about our elephant pig?
Dr. Mephisto: I'm afraid I can't do that. Have you heard that song by Loverboy? (breaks into song) Pig and elephant DNA just won't splice.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bebe: I'd want a pot-bellied elephant.
Pip: Yes! I'd pay $50 for one!
 • Rating: Unrated

Chef: Hey, I know you. You're that crazy cracker from up on the hill top.
Dr. Mephisto: Sir, if splicing the DNA of humans and various animals together is crazy...
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 4: "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride"

Stan: That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass!
Cartman: Heh, he's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.
Stan: Sparky, bad dog!
 • Rating: Unrated

Frank: Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Frank: Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Frank: I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant!
 • Rating: Unrated

Mr. Garrison: Stanley, gay people, well, gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Cartman: Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an A-?
Mr. Garrison: Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better 'cause they're better people.
 • Rating: Unrated

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