South Park

South Park Season 1 Quotes (Page 7)

Season 1 Episode 2: "Weight Gain 4000"

Mr. Garrison: Thanks. Hello Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady: Nice gun.
Mr. Garrison: Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good clear shot- er, view of Kathie Lee?
Officer Barbrady: You know, I think the book depository would be a good bet.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 1 Episode 1: "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe"

Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No kitty, this is my pot-pie.
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No KITTY, THIS IS MY POT-PIE! MOM! Kitty's being a dildo!
Liane Cartman: Well then, I know a certain kitty-kitty whose sleeping with mommy tonight.
Cartman: What?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stan: Go ahead, Kyle; ask them for your baby brother back.
Kyle: Visitors... This morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today... That having a little brother is a pretty special thing.
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors... I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again...
Stan: That was beautiful, dude.
Kyle: Did it work?
Stan: No, they're leaving.
Kyle: Hey, you scrawny-ass ********! What the **** is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of ******* ******* to be able to ignore a crying child!
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Kyle: You know what you ******* like?! You like to **** and **** and **** and **** and **** and ****!
Stan: Hey, Wendy. What's a ****?
 • Rating: Unrated

Cartman: Why is it that everything today has to do with things either going in or coming out of my ass?
 • Rating: Unrated

Kyle: ...my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother, Kyle?! You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle!"
Stan: Calm down, dude.
Kyle: "You know he can't think on his own, Kyle! Brush and floss, Kyle! WHERE HAS THAT FINGER BEEN, KYLE?!"
Stan: Dude!
 • Rating: Unrated

Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Officer Barbrady: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
Farmer: People's been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.
Officer Barbrady: UFO's? Ha.
Farmer: Yeah, and black army, CIA helicopters and trucks.
Officer Barbrady: That is the silliest thing I've ever heard. (black helicopters fly overhead)
Farmer: What was that?
Officer Barbrady: That? That was a pigeon.
 • Rating: Unrated

Chef [to alien spacecraft]: Hey, down here. We are ready for your wisdom. And you only got twenty minutes before Sanford and Son is on.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: Holy crap! Wendy wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school today.
Kyle: Wow. Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: (muffled) Maybe you can touch her p***y.
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Stan: Oh, hey, Cartman.
Cartman: You guys, I just had the strangest dream...
Kyle: Really? What about?
Cartman: Well, I dreamed I was standing out in a field, and there was this huge satellite dish stickin' out of my butt. And there were hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship, and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
Stan: That wasn't a dream, Cartman; that really happened!
Cartman: Oh, right. Why don't I have pinkeye, then?
Kyle: Cartman, you DO have pinkeye!
Cartman: Ah! Son of a bitch!
 • Rating: Unrated

Kyle: Mr. Garrison, I HAVE to be excused!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I don't know, Kyle... Did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle: I don't wanna ask Mr. Hat; I'm asking YOU!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat...
Kyle: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) Well, Kyle... NO!!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! (as himself) Well, I guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.
Kyle: Damn it!
 • Rating: Unrated

Kyle: No, Ike. You can't come to school with me!
Cartman: Yeah. Go home, you little dildo.
Kyle: What?! Dude! Don't call my little brother a dildo!
Stan: What's a dildo?
Kyle: I don't know... But I'll bet Cartman doesn't know what it means!
Cartman: I do TOO know what it means!
Kyle: Okay, then... What?
Cartman: I'm not telling you...
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: Now, do you believe us, Cartman?
Cartman: You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up.
Stan: Cartman, there's an 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!
Cartman: Sure, you guys, whatever.
 • Rating: Unrated

Chef: An anal probe is when they stick a big metal hoob-a-joo up your butt.
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: Whoa, Cartman! You look like you didn't get enough sleep.
Cartman: I know. That's because I was having these bogus nightmares.
Kyle: Really? What about?
Cartman: Well, I dreamed that I was lying in my bed in the dark. When all of a sudden, this bright blue light fills the room. Then slowly, my bedroom door begins to open. And the next thing I remember, I was being dragged through a hallway. Then I was lying on a table and these scary hands wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes...
Stan: Dude! Visitors!
Kyle: Totally!
 • Rating: Unrated

Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us!
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?
Stan: I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do...
 • Rating: Unrated

Stan: What's gonna be for lunch today Chef?
Chef: Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles, and a choice of green bean casserole, or vegetable medley.
Cartman: Kickass.
 • Rating: Unrated

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