Mr. Garrison Sr.: What? I never sexually abused you!
Mr. Garrison: I know! I want to know why not!
Mr. Garrison Sr.: WHAT!?
Mr. Garrison: Was it because I was ugly?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Oh my God!
Mr. Garrison: It was because I wasn't good enough wasn't it?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: I...no!

New York Kid: Are all redneck queefs from Colorado as stupid as yous?
Kyle: All right dickhole

What's Arkansas? Is that a state?

Stan

(talking to Mr. Garrison's dad) Don't lose your son over this, mmkay. Don'tloseyoursonMmkay.

Mr. Mackey

Mr. Garrison Sr.: Would you have sex with your son to save his life?
Man at bar 1: Oh, this is one of them scruples questions ain't it?
Man at bar 2: No, no I got a better one: Would you have sex with your motherto save your father's life?
Man at bar 1: You mean like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said if you don't have sex with her, I'll kill him?
Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat and said "have sex with your mother or I'm gonna kill your father while having sex with you, I would have sex with myself.

Queef is the vaginal discharge of gas.

Mr. Mackey

That's not true! Your father loved youoften.

Mrs. Garrison

Jesus: Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millennium. I-I'm kinda making a comeback!
God: Yea, like John Travolta before you, you are experiencing a second revival.

Stan: I have it! I have the question. Now you have to answer me once and for all! How come I haven't gotten my period yet?!
(everyone is speechless)
God: My child, you are a boy. Boys do not get periods. That is only for girls. You're friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses due to an acute colon infection, and you're friend Kyle simply lied about it.
Kyle: Hey, how'd he know that?!
God: You will hit puberty when the time is right, but you will never have a period because you are a man with titties.

(reporter) Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas at what is quickly becoming known as 'the gayest party ever.'

Craig Nezzo

My worry is that he could've been following some kind of crazy new fad. Perhaps the children are all shoving tampons up their ass because they've seen the Backstreet Boys doing it on TV or something.

Doctor

Rod Stewart: Poop pants.
Jesus: What?
Rod Stewart: Poop pants.
Jesus: You pooped your pants? Nurse, Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
Nurse: Again? Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?

South Park Season 3 Quotes

Stan: All we ever heard growing up was "save the rainforest. The rainforest is fragile."
Kyle: Yeah. Fragile, my ass!

Miss Stevens: OK children, we are lost so we have to stay together. Is everyone here?
Craig: I'm not.
Miss Stevens: Who's not? Who's not here?
Craig: Me.