South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralSouth Park Season 3 Quotes
Randy: Mayor! I have it. I found out why people spontaneously combust.
Mayor: [over the phone] Why?
Randy: It's too complicated to explain over the phone.
[Cut to clipboard that says:]
Boyfriend == > Death
Girlfriend == > Death
Stan: Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?
Kyle: No, I don't think so.
Kenny(muffled): How 'bout this?
Kyle: No, that's a hairdryer!
Store Clerk: Can I help you find something?
Kyle: Yeah, do you have any nerections?
Store Clerk: Any what?
Kyle: I need to get a nerection for my dad.
Store Clerk: Very funny, boys. Go on, beat it.
Stan: Why is that funny?
Kyle: Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time. And I heard them say it's because my dad doesn't have a nerection. So, I wanna get him one.
(The scene changes, and they're outside)
Kyle: Damn it, what the hell is wrong with everybody?!
Stan: That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of; why's it so hard to get a nerection?
Kenny(muffled): I know, it's f**kin' bullshit!
Kyle: I just wanna get a nerection so I can give it to my mom.
Random man on street: What?
Randy: Boys, did you notice anything strange about Kenny, in the weeks leading up to his combustion? What did he spend his time doing?
Kyle: He didn't do anything. He was always with his new girlfriend.
Randy: New girlfriend?
Stan: Yeah, he started seeing this girl and he spent all his time taking the bus to go visit her. What does that have to do with his death?
Randy: Maybe nothing...maybe everything.
(Dramatic music plays in the background)
Stan: Yeah, well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad a nerection.
Randy: Yes, yes of course-I've got work to do.
(They leave the room)
Randy: What?
Kyle: Hey, that went really well. They really liked it.
Cartman: Yeah, told you I'd be a sweet Jesus, you guys.
Kyle: Aw man, at least the real Jesus didn't weight 400 pounds.
Cartman: Up your ass, with broken glass!
Father Maxi: (During Kenny's funeral) Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another super bowl championship and once again bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.
Father Maxi: Let us pray.
(Father Maxi and church begin cheering in the form of a hymn.)
Father Maxi: Let's gooooooo.
Congregation: Let's goooooo.
Father Maxi: Broncoooooos.
Congregation: Broncoooooos.
Father Maxi: Let's go Broncos
Congregation: LET'S GO!
Father Maxi: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
Father Maxi: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
Sticks and stones may break my bones but I'm Jesus and you're not.
Cartman
Lord, is it so much to ask that you not let us burst into flames for no apparent reason? I mean, come on. Amen.
Father Maxi
Father Maxi: Blessed be the name of Jesus.
Congregation: (in unison) It's a great name, isn't it?
(upon seeing Cartman on the cross) T is for turtle.
Officer Barbrady
(The same situation as in Randy's dream, Randy is tossed in the air by a happy crowd)
Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy!
Man: We love you Randy!
Woman: Make love to me Randy!
Randy: Stan, go live with Kyle's family.
Stan: No dad, Kyle's dad sucks. He can't even get a nerection.
Randy: (chuckles) Really?
