Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX
The-simpsons

Homer: Oh, I get it, you're all going to try to convince me that my life is great just like it is, right?
Lisa: Are you kidding? We couldn't even convince you that Bruce Wayne is Batman.
Homer: Oh, come on, that billionaire playboy. He's too busy socializing at cocktail parties and managing the affairs of the Wayne foundation
Marge: (whispering) Don't open this one again.
Lisa: Why does he think Alfred is friends with Batman?
Marge: Just stop.

(After it's learned in Homer's alternate reality that he and Marge wouldn't have Bart, Lisa, and Maggie.)
Marge: Well that's what's missing. Our lives would be horrible without the kids.
Homer: Uh, yeah, that must be it. This is the best of all possible worlds. Blah, blah, blah and--I wanna live in the sauce!
(He jumps into the sauce pot, the Sauce Chef pulls him out.)
Sauce Chef: If you could live in the sauce, don't you think I would live in the sauce?! Stupid!

Lisa: You can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey!
Marge: I'm Bart Simpson's mother, do you think you've got any tricks I haven't seen. ((Leaves the room)
((Lisa climbs out the window and slides down the tree only to land in a laundry basket being held by Marge)
Marge: Bart Simpson: Age 3. (Both go back inside)
(Bart comes out of a hidden door in the tree dressed in black)
Bart Simpson: Age 10. Mhwahahahaha!

Lisa: I need some candy for our first playdate, but I don't want to come on too strong.
Bart: M&M's?
Lisa: Well, if I pick plain she'll think I'm cheap, and if I pick peanut, she may have an allergy. You just killed her, Bart!
Bart: How about Charleston Chew?
Lisa: What is this, Brooklyn in the fifties? Don't just say stuff.
Bart: You asked for my help, then you don't want it.
Apu: Excuse me, but why not consider an Almond Joy? It looks like you only brought something for yourself, but then you just happen to have two pieces.
Lisa: Finally, a real suggestion!
Bart: If she doesn't like coconut, you're screwed!

Marge! I was right! Everybody is whatever I think they are!

Homer

Bashir: (holding Bart's slingshot) Bart forgot this, sir.
Homer: Sir? That's the kind of respect you'd have to strangle out of an American kid.

Marge: You're teaching Bart a terrible lesson of intolerance!
Homer: I'm sorry. It's just so fun and easy to judge people based on religion.

Kearney: What's your name, sweat stain?
Bashir: Uh, Bashir?
Kearney: "Bash here?" I love a kid that comes with directions.

Marge: Okay, remember our deal: Everyone gets to return one Christmas present with no hurt feelings. (holds up calendar with "From Bart" sticker) I'm returning this kitten calendar.
Lisa: (holds up identical calendar) Um, I'm also returning this kitten calendar.
Homer: Kitten calendar.
(Maggie holds up kitten calendar)
Bart: Hey, those are 15-month calendars! That gives you three extra kittens.
(The family stares at him blankly. He takes back the calendars)
Bart: That's the last time I get you guys a Christmas present at the last minute. (looks at back of calendar) Man, those are ugly kittens.

Displaying quotes 37 - 45 of 99 in total