The Simpsons

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The simpsons

Homer: Sweetie, will you please look at daddy!
Lisa: You stopped being my daddy when you bet against me! All I have now is a mom. That's why I'm taking her maiden name. So from now on, my name is Lisa Bouvier!
(Homer gasps)
Nelson: Hey, Mr. S. Lisa B.
Homer: Nooo!
Girl: Would you like to buy some band candy?
Homer: Yeees!

Superintendent Chalmers: I'm a bit of a crossword head myself. They help me relax after a day of having to deal with... Skinner!
Principal Skinner: You called?
Superintendent Chalmers: Made reference.
Principal Skinner: My mistake.

Lisa: Dad, I know this is crazy, but did you plant a message to me in the New York Times crossword puzzle?
Homer: Well, I had a little help from this guy.
(Will Shortz and Merl Reagle appear)
Lisa: (gasps) New York Times crossword editor Will Shortz and master puzzle constructor Merl Reagle!
Merl Reagle: I actually wrote that crossword.
Will Shortz: And I edited it. Now get back to crosswording!
Merl Reagle: (dejected) Yes, sir.

Homer: Marge, I'm going to a hardcore gay club and won't be home until three in the morning!
Marge: Have fun!

Sylvia: My horoscope told me I would meet the man of my dreams today.
Homer: Well, a horoscope wouldn't lie to a pretty girl like you.

Marge: Let's pick up those hitch-hikers. They don't look like the stabby kind.
Lisa: Mom, you said all hitch-hikers were drug-crazed thrill seekers.
Marge: I said they were thrill-crazed drug seekers. Don't put words in my mouth.

A log cabin? What am I, Davy Crockett? Also, who's Davy Crockett?

Bart

Marge: I can't believe one of the most beautiful moments in our marriage is based on lies!
Homer: You're just as bad as me, and you used to be better, so that makes you worse!

I'm cuckoo for killing stuff!

Bart

(to Marge) I see the word "vacancy" is lit, and the word "no" is not. Let us pray the "no" is not broken, huh?

Alberto

(Marge and Homer are kissing in the back of the peddle car)
Bart: Knock it off back there!
Homer: But we're married!
Bart: Ok, but keep it PG.
Homer: How about R?
Bart: PG-13.
Homer: Woohoo! Adult situations!
(Marge and Homer continue kissing)

Patty: I can't believe Homer ruined another family barbecue.
Homer: (offended) Hey! Everybody pees in the pool!
Patty: Not from the diving board!

Displaying quotes 49 - 60 of 99 in total

The Simpsons Season 20 Quotes

Lisa: Dad, we have to do something all the bees are dying!
Homer: (sarcastically) Oh, no! No bees! Ooh, now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwiches?
Lisa: But, Dad! Bees pollinate flowers.
Homer: Pfft. Flowers, the painted whores of the plant world.

(After Homer shows Lisa the hive containing the new hybrid bees he and Moe had created)
Lisa: They sound awfully mad. Are they dangerous?
Homer: Hmm, I'm not sure. Let me check. (Lifts the lid of the hive) Are you guys dangerous? (The bees fly out of the hive and knock Homer down) A simple "Yes" would've sufficed!

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