The Simpsons

Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX
The simpsons

Groundskeeper Willy: If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I'd have taken the orange eating class.
(cut to orange eating class)
Moleman: The eating of a good orange is a lot like a successful marriage.
Grampa: Just eat the damn orange!

Homer: Oh. And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

(After an insect falls out of his hair) You think you get them all, but you forget about the eggs.

Otto

Receptionist: Hello, sir. Are you here for "Coping With Senility?"
Jasper: No. I'm here for "Microwave Cookery" ... No, wait, "Coping With Senility."

Marge everything is a sin. Have you ever sat down and read this thing? (holds up the bible) -Technically we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.

Reverend Lovejoy

Marge: Homer I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Homer: Marge I didn't tell em personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everyone knew I dyed my hair blue.
Homer: Oh you mean about you?

Homer: (playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips) Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips".
Moe: Are you gonna take some cards, or not?
Homer: Oh...yeah.
(takes four cards)
Homer: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Er, I mean, "woo hoo".
Moe: I'm in.
Homer: Aww, I was bluffing.
(lays out cards)
Moe: Ha, ha, ha! Come to papa!
(takes chips and looks at cards)
Moe: What? You have a straight flush, Homer! Ya do this every time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Choking on my own rage here!

Annex Manager: Now Tell me Mr. Simpson, what special skills could you teach a class on?
Homer: Uh... I can tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Annex Manager: No you can't! No one can!

(to Bart) Keep up the roughhousing, boy. Without a strong male figure, you could turn sissy overnight. (as he's scrubbing his underwear) Oh, these stubborn grass stains.

Homer

Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums, or read books or anything.
Homer: You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge, they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher ad more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves! But they won't! They won't let me live!

Homer: Good news, Lisa! I don't need your mother anymore. I've created a replacement for her that's superior to her in almost every way!
Lisa: Dad, that's just a plant.
Homer: Lisa! You will respect your new mother! Now, give her a kiss. Kiss her! (he knocks the plant out of the treehouse) Aah! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! All right, let's get our stories straight she tripped, right?

Wait! I need closure on that anecdote.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen
Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 624 in total

The Simpsons Season 5 Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Kent Brockman: When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be. So, professor: would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.

× Close Ad