The Simpsons

The Simpsons Season 5 Quotes (Page 2)

Season 5 Episode 22: "Secrets of a Successful Marriage"

Homer: Lisa you're smart, help me trick her into taking me back!
Lisa: Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you. There's a reason two people come together and stay together - there's something they give each other that nobody else can give them. If you wanna get Mom back, you'll just have to remember what you give her that no one else can.
Homer: I'll pay you forty dollars if you think of it for me.
Lisa: No.
Homer: Okay thirty.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Groundskeeper Willy: If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I'd have taken the orange eating class.
(cut to orange eating class)
Moleman: The eating of a good orange is a lot like a successful marriage.
Grampa: Just eat the damn orange!
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: (playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips) Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips".
Moe: Are you gonna take some cards, or not?
Homer: Oh...yeah.
(takes four cards)
Homer: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Er, I mean, "woo hoo".
Moe: I'm in.
Homer: Aww, I was bluffing.
(lays out cards)
Moe: Ha, ha, ha! Come to papa!
(takes chips and looks at cards)
Moe: What? You have a straight flush, Homer! Ya do this every time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Choking on my own rage here!
 • Rating: 3.5 / 5.0

Receptionist: Hello, sir. Are you here for "Coping With Senility?"
Jasper: No. I'm here for "Microwave Cookery" ... No, wait, "Coping With Senility."
 • Rating: Unrated

Reverend Lovejoy: Marge everything is a sin. Have you ever sat down and read this thing? (holds up the bible) -Technically we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 5 Episode 21: "Lady Bouvier's Lover"

Grampa: I'm in love... no wait, it's a stroke.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mr. Burns: Why, it's Fred Flintstone and his lovely wife, Wilma! Oh, and this must be little Pebbles! Mind if I come in? I brought chocolates.
Homer: Yabba-dabba-doo!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Homer: Well, I'm opposed to the whole thing! Damn opposed!
Bart: He's damn opposed! Damn damn damn opposed!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Grampa: I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eating an apple!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Mrs. Bouvier: I swear, Monty, you are the devil himself.
Mr. Burns: I...Who told you?! ...Oh, ah, yes.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Grampa: Would it be all right with you if I just laid down in the street and died?
Lawyer: Yes, that would be acceptable.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Bart: (ordering things over the phone with Homer's wallet) Do you accept the Federal Breast Inspector's card? ...License to Ogle? Vica...Oh, yes of course that's what I meant, Visa. It's these new dentures
 • Rating: Unrated

Homer: Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Marge: Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Comic Book Guy: No groaning in my store.
 • Rating: Unrated

Marge: I have a neat idea. Why don't you get my mother and we can go out to dinner?
Grampa: I'll be back in a jiffy! (gets an old lady in a wheelchair)
Marge: That's not my mother!
Grampa: I'll be back in a jiffy!
Old Lady: Can I come too?
(Homer rolls up his car window)
Old Lady: Oh.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Lisa: Hey, where's Grampa? Wasn't he invited to the wedding?
Bart: Yeah. But his reply envelope just had a check to the gas company in it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Bart answers the door)
Man: Yeah, hi. I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.
Bart: That's me.
Man: (Punches Bart in the face.) Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra.
(doorbell rings Bart answers it)
Teenager: I got a special delivery for Homer Simpson.
Bart: Uh that's me.
Teenager: (Punches Bart in the face.) Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range!
(Doorbell rings)
Man: (Through door) Homer Simpson! I've got a uh special delivery for you.
Bart: Go away.
Man: If you do not open the door, Mr. Simpson I cannot give you your special delivery.
(Bart sees it's his animation cell he ordered.)
Man: Here's your special delivery.
Bart: Thanks...
Man: (Punches Bart in the face.) And that's for keeping me waiting.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bart: (Imitating Grampa and Jacqueline) Don't forget the Smeckler's powder.
Grampa and Jacqueline: Don't make fun!
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Grampa: Oh, it's not a swindle. What you do is, see, you give them all your credit card numbers, and if one of them is lucky, they send you a prize.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Marge: Homey, you know, it's funny. Both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely.
Homer: (chuckling) That is funny.
 • Rating: Unrated

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