Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums, or read books or anything.
Homer: You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge, they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher ad more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves! But they won't! They won't let me live!

Moe: Hey Homer, why don't you nibble her elbow...that always melts her butter, heh heh.
Marge: Get out! Everyone get out now!
Apu: Ooooh, she's got to have it!

Groundskeeper Willy: If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I'd have taken the orange eating class.
(cut to orange eating class)
Moleman: The eating of a good orange is a lot like a successful marriage.
Grampa: Just eat the damn orange!

(After an insect falls out of his hair) You think you get them all, but you forget about the eggs.

Otto

Bart: I missed you so much that I couldn't concentrate in school and I got an "F."
Homer: This is dated two weeks ago.
Bart: Oh, sorry. Here's a fresh one.

Wait! I need closure on that anecdote.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen

Homer (wearing a leather jacket): Look everyone. Now that I'm a teacher, I've sewed patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer, that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed blazer, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Uh...incorrect, Marge. Two perfectly good jackets.

Receptionist: Hello, sir. Are you here for "Coping With Senility?"
Jasper: No. I'm here for "Microwave Cookery" ... No, wait, "Coping With Senility."

Homer: Lisa you're smart, help me trick her into taking me back!
Lisa: Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you. There's a reason two people come together and stay together - there's something they give each other that nobody else can give them. If you wanna get Mom back, you'll just have to remember what you give her that no one else can.
Homer: I'll pay you forty dollars if you think of it for me.
Lisa: No.
Homer: Okay thirty.

Well, let's just call them... uh, 'Mr. X' and 'Mrs. Y'. So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson!"

Homer

I can't believe I paid ten-thousand dollars for this class. What the hell was that lab fee for!?

Otto

What is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as, "the process of removing weeds from one's garden."

Homer

The Simpsons Season 5 Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to.

Grampa