The Simpsons

Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX
The simpsons
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Marge: Homey, you know, it's funny. Both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely.
Homer: (chuckling) That is funny.

La...tex...con...dome. Boy I'd like to live in one of those!

Grampa

Marge: He's an awful, awful, awful man! I guess if he makes Mom happy, that's all that really matters.
Homer: That's right, money. Your money's happiness is all that moneys.

Roger Myers Jr.: I'm proud to offer your viewers these hand-drawn Itchy and Scratchy animation cells. Each one is absolutely, positively, one hundred percent guaranteed to increase in value.
Voiceover: (very quickly) Not a guarantee.

Marge: He's an evil man.
Mrs. Bouvier: Evil, shmevil, Marge. Monty can provide for me. And besides, he's a great kisser.
Homer: Ew, yuck!

Mr. Burns: Bravissimo, Luigi! Bring us your finest bottle of vino!
Luigi: Hey, you trust-ah Luigi, huh? He knows-ah what for to make-ah really nice the amore.
Jackie: Oh, Monty, I've never been to a more romantic restaurant.
Luigi: (Entering kitchen) Hey, Salvatore! Break out the cheap hooch for Mr. No-Tip and the dried-up-ah zombie he's-ah captured!

Oh, it's not a swindle. What you do is, see, you give them all your credit card numbers, and if one of them is lucky, they send you a prize.

Grampa

Bart: (Imitating Grampa and Jacqueline) Don't forget the Smeckler's powder.
Grampa and Jacqueline: Don't make fun!

Lisa: Hey, where's Grampa? Wasn't he invited to the wedding?
Bart: Yeah. But his reply envelope just had a check to the gas company in it.

Marge: I have a neat idea. Why don't you get my mother and we can go out to dinner?
Grampa: I'll be back in a jiffy! (gets an old lady in a wheelchair)
Marge: That's not my mother!
Grampa: I'll be back in a jiffy!
Old Lady: Can I come too?
(Homer rolls up his car window)
Old Lady: Oh.

Bart: I'm going to keep the Mary Worth phone right here. Her stern but sensible face will remind me never to do anything so stupid again.
(it rings and Bart answers it)
Milhouse: Hey Bart, you want to go play with that X-ray machine in the abandoned hospital?
Bart: Sure!

My darling, since my kneecaps are filling with fluid as we speak, I'll be brief. Will you marry me?

Mr. Burns
Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 624 in total

The Simpsons Season 5 Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to.

Grampa