Favorite Two and a Half Men Quotes
Hey Uncle Charlie you look like a 70's porn star... I'm guessing.
Jake
Jake: What's the deal are, they back together or was that just a booty call?
Alan: What do you know about booty calls?
Jake: In theory? Everything.
Prostitue: What kind of sex does charlie want?
Charlie: Oh i get to choose? It's kind of like Baskin Robbins. You know if they charged $1,000 a scoop.
Charlie: Look, I'm sorry I lost my temper.
Jake: I'm sorry you slipped in dog crap when you were chasing me
Charlie: Tell you what. I'll trade you, site unseen, my mom for yours
Chelsea: Charlie..
Charlie: I'll even throw in Alan and a couple of Omaha Steaks
Alan: (talking about Milly's mom) She seems nice. Who is she?
Charlie: I have no freaking idea.
Jake: I'll tell you who she is, the grandmother of my children.
She's one in a million. You're a dime a dozen.
Evelyn [to Charlie about Chelsea]
Alan: You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.
There are no such things as small frightened women. That's a myth, perpetrated by the large angry women who secretly run the world!
Charlie
Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.
The day you start accepting limitations is the day you start dying, and I am not dying, my friend. I am living life to the fullest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap
Charlie
Mandy: You are so cute!
Jake: I know.
Kathleen: You got a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Mandy: You don't ever want to get married?
Jake [repeating Charlie's quote]: No, as long as I've got somebody to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?!?!?
Jake: Yeah, I don't want to be giving anyone half my stuff
Alan: Okay, bye-bye
