Favorite Two and a Half Men Quotes
Alan: The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude finds this distasteful?
Charlie: That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species.
Alan: Nothing I'm doing requires a ten day quarantine and a series of rabies shots.
Children are God's little way of punishing us for having sex.
Evelyn
Alan [after finding his mother's bra in Charlie's car]: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!
Dr: What do you consider being truly intimate with a woman?
Charlie: Not using a condom?
I love sleeping so much sometimes I even dream about it.
Jake
Lady: Oh my god, you threw up on my baby!
Charlie: To be fair, I don't think the carrots were mine.
I saw your commercial for the shake weight. My brother does basically the same thing in the shower every night. He has absolutely no muscle definition in his arms.
Charlie
We all want the shining red apple, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's lying on the ground
Charlie
Everyone has a little baggage. I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers. You, you're cheap annoying and no one like you.
Charlie
And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.
Charlie
My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to and you're both.
Charlie
Jake: What's the deal are, they back together or was that just a booty call?
Alan: What do you know about booty calls?
Jake: In theory? Everything.