Favorite Two and a Half Men Quotes
Charlie: I am not middle aged.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry...
Charlie: You, you're middle aged!
Alan: I'm younger than you...
Charlie: You're also broke, losing your hair, and sleeping in my hide-a-bed.
Alan: You always gotta bring a gun to a knife fight don't you?
Alan: This may be your house, but this is my son.
Charlie: But you've been living here for seven years, which makes us a common law couple, which makes him our kid.
Alan: What do I have to be depressed about?
Jake: You've been divorced twice, you're living on your brother's couch, and your only child is flunking tenth grade.
Alan: You're flunking tenth grade, when the hell did this happen?
Jake: Easy dude, I think you have bigger things to worry about.
Alan: How do I look?
Charlie [without looking up]: Incredible. All men want to be you, all women want to be with you.
Alan: Could you at least look at me before you answer?
Charlie [after he looked up]: I stand corrected. All men want to be with you
Charlie [about Jake]: If he can score just once before I die then my life will have been worthwhile.
Berta: Then you might want to start eating healthier.
Charlie: I think they got the place to themselves, so he might get a little "Peace on Earth" tonight.
Alan: How do you make everything sound dirty?
Charlie:: Hey, I took the high road. I could have gone with "Come All Ye Faithful."
Evelyn: We're at the same theater. What a happy coincidence.
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.
Alan: You missed Easter last year
Charlie: So that's how I woke up with a Cadbury egg melted in my shorts?
Alan: Sadly, no
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.
If you can't afford dog food, don't get a dog
Charlie [to Alan about not being in a relationship]
I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman's body. Or, and this is my new favorite and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude!
Charlie
Jake: Can we watch the soccer game instead of basketball?
Charlie: What are you, nuts?
Jake: Sophie said soccer is the most popular game in the world.
Charlie: Well, then they don't need us to watch it.
