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Evelyn: I'm doubly pleased that you two have been able to put behind your obvious distasteful history and become such good friends
Chelsea: What distasteful history?
Berta: Come on, at least let them cook my breakfast
Evelyn: Most women would resent the former lover of their fiancee sleeping in the same house as them...
Berta: It ain't me, keep on cooking

I'm drunk in bed with my brother and you want to know why I don't want to watch porn?

Charlie [to Alan]

Remember that time we were on a Caribbean cruise with mom and we had our own cabin? It took us three days to realize she was on a different boat


Alan: As you know, I pay my fair share of rent around here
Charlie: We probably have different definitions of fair, and share, and rent, but go on...

Chelsea [about Alan]: He pays rent, doesn't he?
Charlie: I dunno, once, maybe... at least he said he did

Alan: You missed Easter last year
Charlie: So that's how I woke up with a Cadbury egg melted in my shorts?
Alan: Sadly, no

Charlie: You're telling me that I've missed her coming and going every time?
Alan: To be fair you do have an erratic sleep schedule and that doesn't even count the blackouts

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