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Charlie: Well, what if you were dating?
Alan: But I'm not.
Charlie: But what if it looked like you were dating?
Alan: Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.
Charlie: OK, forget it.
Alan: She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.
Charlie: Anything else?
Alan: Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.
Charlie: You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer
- Permalink: Well, what if you were dating? But I'm not. But what if it l...
Judith: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.
Charlie: Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight
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Jake: This is really weird.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet
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There are no such things as small frightened women. That's a myth, perpetrated by the large angry women who secretly run the world!Charlie
- Permalink: There are no such things as small frightened women. That's a myt...
Alan [about Judith]: What am I supposed to do, put her in a hotel?
Charlie: Yeah: put her in a hotel, put her in a space capsule, put her in a catapult and see how far she flies
- Permalink: What am I supposed to do, put her in a hotel? put her in a hot...
Alan: And what are you afraid of?
Charlie: Let's see: large birds, small bugs, unplanned pregnancy, and your ex-wife living in my house
- Permalink: And what are you afraid of? large birds, small bugs, unplanned...
Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
Charlie: What earthquake?
Alan: What earthquake? About an hour ago. You didn't feel the house shaking?
Alan: Unbelievable, you actually though that was you?
Charlie: No, I thought it was her, you know, because of me. The good news is, unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit
- Permalink: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Ma...
Charlie [regarding the tongs]: Ah, you better use the wooden ones.
Judith: What's wrong with these?
Charlie: I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
Judith: This is a regular occurrence?
Charlie: You'd think I'd learn.
Judith: And you keep them in the kitchen?
Charlie: I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out
- Permalink: Ah, you better use the wooden ones. What's wrong with these? ...
Berta [regarding Judith]: What are you, a farm animal?
Berta: That is your brother's ex-wife out there.
Charlie: I know who she is. Oh, no, no. She's just staying here because of the earthquake. I'm not. I would never. I couldn't. [Charlie takes a peep at Judith on his deck in her bikini) Okay, maybe I could, but I'm not.
Berta: Yeah, that's what I used to say about my stepbrother, Cousin Dewey
- Permalink: What are you, a farm animal? What? That is your brother's ex...