Two and a Half Men Season 2 Quotes
Berta: Last chance to see those tattoos!
Alan: No, thanks.
Berta: I can make the road runner do jumping jacks!
Alan: Are you still reading that thing?
Charlie: How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!
Charlie: Please tell me the Jack and Ginger isn't for you.
Gail: No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?
Charlie: Well, you look like a woman of discriminating taste, and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale is like putting Cheez Whiz on Lobster Newberg.
Charlie [about Rose]: You do remember she's bent?
Alan: Deep down she's a good person.
Charlie: Deep down, she's several good people, and they're all bent!
Alan: Have you been spying on me?
Rose: No, silly! I spy on Charlie; you just get in the way sometimes
Alan: I assume you finished reading Lord of the Flies for your book report?
Jake: Mm-hm.
Alan: Oh, good. How did you like it?
Jake: I thought it was... a timeless American classic.
Alan: I see. So tell me, what is it about?
Jake: You mean the book?
Alan: Yeah, the book.
Jake: It's called Lord of the Flies, and it's about a really big fly that all the other flies pray to
Alan: Did you know Rose has a master's degree in psychology?
Berta: Did you know I'm a founding member of the mile high club?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, me and Orville at Kitty Hawk
Berta: So you want to know what goes on underneath this rough exterior. Whether somewhere inside me there is a tiny little girl that wanted to be a famous ballerina.
Alan: Is there?
Berta: If there is, it is because I accidentally ate her and I haven't passed her yet. I'm telling you, I'm dreading that tiara
Charlie: D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?
Jake: That was fifty pages!
Charlie: Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.
Alan: Has it occured to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?
Jake: No, I'm lazy
Alan: Ferrets?
Rose: Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.
Alan: No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?
Rose: Yup, and they're all named Charlie
Alan: Oh, are you, uh, starting that book report already?
Jake: Just making notes.
Alan: Good for you! What do you have so far?
Jake: Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.
Alan: Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?
Jake: Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?
Alan: Hey, what's that splattered all over your shirt?
Charlie: Coffee and breast milk.
Alan: What happened? Did Starbucks merge with Hooters? Hooterbucks! I'd like a Double D Cup Latte, please...