Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 2 Quotes (Page 5)

Season 2 Episode 10: "The Salmon Under My Sweater"

Charlie: D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?
Jake: That was fifty pages!
Charlie: Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.
Alan: Has it occured to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?
Jake: No, I'm lazy
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Ferrets?
Rose: Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.
Alan: No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?
Rose: Yup, and they're all named Charlie
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Oh, are you, uh, starting that book report already?
Jake: Just making notes.
Alan: Good for you! What do you have so far?
Jake: Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.
Alan: Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?
Jake: Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 9: "Yes, Monsignor"

Alan: Hey, what's that splattered all over your shirt?
Charlie: Coffee and breast milk.
Alan: What happened? Did Starbucks merge with Hooters? Hooterbucks! I'd like a Double D Cup Latte, please...
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: So what do you think?
Berta: About what?
Charlie: Lisa, me, the kid.
Berta: Ok, let's see now... This is the same women you've broken up and gotten back together with for years, right?
Charlie: Right.
Berta: And she turned you down in order to marry somebody else?
Charlie: Yes.
Berta: And then the marriage fell apart and now she got his baby?
Charlie: Ya.
Berta: Sounds perfect. Go for it!
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: You look good.
Lisa: You, too. Although if you're taking votes, I prefer the brown sock to the beige one.
Charlie: Oh, I had to kind of dress in a hurry this morning.
Lisa: Really? Did somebody's husband come home early?
Charlie: Why do you always assume the worst? Can't I just be hung over?
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Just out of curiosity, what the hell happened in your brother's bathroom?
Alan: Nothing.
Jake: Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.
Berta: The quiet ones are always the freaks
 • Rating: Unrated

Lisa [to her baby]: Oh, what a hungry little girl!
Charlie: Of course she's hungry. She must have dropped half her body weight in that last diaper!
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: So, what are you doing for dinner tonight?
Lisa: You're shameless.
Charlie: Thank you.
Lisa: It's not a compliment.
Charlie: Whatever. So, how about dinner tonight?
Lisa: Charlie, a lot has changed.
Charlie: So what? I'm older and wiser, and you're hot and on the rebound!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 8: "Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers"

Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Alan: How do I look?
Charlie [without looking up]: Incredible. All men want to be you, all women want to be with you.
Alan: Could you at least look at me before you answer?
Charlie [after he looked up]: I stand corrected. All men want to be with you
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl?
Charlie: I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn.
Berta: Corn? Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Alan: What kind of man chooses sex with an insatiably hot stranger over quality time with his little boy?
Charlie: Oh! I don't know, the kind of man who's been married for twelve years and had sex twelve times?
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Alan: I need you to watch Jake for the rest of the weekend so that Nancy and I can go to Vegas and get married.
Charlie: Oh, God, Alan! There's no need to marry the woman! If you don't want to have sex anymore just tell her!
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Season 2 Episode 7: "A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana"

Alan: I... I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Judith: Charlie, have you said derogatory things about me to Jake?
Charlie: No. Why? Do you want me to?
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Daisy: I'm Daisy, the caterer.
Charlie: You're Berta's sister?
Daisy: Same mom, dad's a little iffy
 • Rating: Unrated

Daisy: I'm not homeless. I have a home, I just don't know where it's parked!
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Mom's here. Charlie, can you hear me?
Charlie: Yeah, I just prefer to live in denial
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Are you happy? Now we have to throw a party for your crazy-ass mother.
Alan: She's your mother, too.
Charlie: How do you know? I could have been adopted.
Alan: You wish
 • Rating: Unrated

Are we missing your favorite "Two and a Half Men" quote? Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!