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Alan [about Jake]: He's just going to sleep anyway, and I'll keep an eye on him, so you can go.
Charlie: I don't know. It doesn't feel right just abandoning the kid when he's sick.
Alan: Congratulations, now you know what it feels like to be a parent.
Charlie: Yeah. How inconvenient
- Permalink: He's just going to sleep anyway, and I'll keep an eye on him, so...
Jake: Well, this is gonna be a sucky weekend.
Charlie: Try spending it with an eleven-year-old who does nothing but complain.
Jake: You mean me?
Charlie: Boy, no wonder they got to write your name in your underwear
- Permalink: Well, this is gonna be a sucky weekend. Try spending it with a...
Jake: What am I supposed to do?
Charlie: Watch TV.
Jake: There's nothing on.
Charlie: Play a video game.
Jake: Played them all.
Charlie: Read a book.
Jake: Yeah, right, who's the moron now?
- Permalink: What am I supposed to do? Watch TV. There's nothing on. Pl...
Berta: Oh, damn it.
Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the line
- Permalink: Oh, damn it. What? The sink's stopped up again. That kid sti...
Judith: Where's Alan?
Charlie: He's not here.
Judith: Really? I told him I was coming.
Charlie: That's probably why he's not here
- Permalink: Where's Alan? He's not here. Really? I told him I was coming...
Charlie: Hey, buddy!
Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Ready for a fun weekend?
Judith: He's not going to have a fun weekend, Charlie. He's going to study for a history test on Monday.
Charlie: Hmm. Well, if believing that gets you back into your car, then I'll play along
- Permalink: Hey, buddy! Hey, Uncle Charlie. Ready for a fun weekend? H...
Alan: You earned that A.
Jake: Wendy Chow got an A+.
Evelyn: There, you hear that? Wendy Chow got an A plus.
Alan: Wendy Chow is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! We can't compare Jake to her.
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to, then: the paste eaters and the unibrows?
- Permalink: You earned that A. Wendy Chow got an A+. There, you hear tha...
Evelyn: How many kids in your class got an A?
Jake: Almost everybody. Why?
Evelyn: I'm just curious as to how hard the test actually was.
Alan: Doesn't matter, Mom. It's still an A.
Evelyn: And an A is very nice. I just don't see why we should make such a big fuss over it if they're handing them out like rubella vaccinations!
- Permalink: How many kids in your class got an A? Almost everybody. Why? ...
Charlie [drunkenly]: You know what I like? Those big pink things with coconut.
Jake: Sno Balls?
Charlie: Yeah. Can you still get those?
Jake: Yeah, but not at the supermarket. You have to go to 7-Eleven.
Charlie: Thank you... Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
Alan: No, we're trying to study.
Charlie: Okay. I'll pretend like I'm not even here
- Permalink: You know what I like? Those big pink things with coconut. Sno ...
Alan: Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
Charlie: [makes buzzer sound] Louisiana Purchase.
Jake: I knew that!
Alan: Yeah, but Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
Charlie: And I'm still buzzed
- Permalink: Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what? Louisiana Purchase. Ri...
Charlie: Well, what if you were dating?
Alan: But I'm not.
Charlie: But what if it looked like you were dating?
Alan: Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.
Charlie: OK, forget it.
Alan: She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.
Charlie: Anything else?
Alan: Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.
Charlie: You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer
- Permalink: Well, what if you were dating? But I'm not. But what if it l...
Judith: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.
Charlie: Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight
- Permalink: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with you...