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Jake: This is really weird.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet
- Permalink: This is really weird. Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not ...
There are no such things as small frightened women. That's a myth, perpetrated by the large angry women who secretly run the world!Charlie
- Permalink: There are no such things as small frightened women. That's a myt...
Alan [about Judith]: What am I supposed to do, put her in a hotel?
Charlie: Yeah: put her in a hotel, put her in a space capsule, put her in a catapult and see how far she flies
- Permalink: What am I supposed to do, put her in a hotel? put her in a hot...
Alan: And what are you afraid of?
Charlie: Let's see: large birds, small bugs, unplanned pregnancy, and your ex-wife living in my house
- Permalink: And what are you afraid of? large birds, small bugs, unplanned...
Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
Charlie: What earthquake?
Alan: What earthquake? About an hour ago. You didn't feel the house shaking?
Alan: Unbelievable, you actually though that was you?
Charlie: No, I thought it was her, you know, because of me. The good news is, unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit
- Permalink: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Ma...
Charlie [regarding the tongs]: Ah, you better use the wooden ones.
Judith: What's wrong with these?
Charlie: I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
Judith: This is a regular occurrence?
Charlie: You'd think I'd learn.
Judith: And you keep them in the kitchen?
Charlie: I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out
- Permalink: Ah, you better use the wooden ones. What's wrong with these? ...
Berta [regarding Judith]: What are you, a farm animal?
Berta: That is your brother's ex-wife out there.
Charlie: I know who she is. Oh, no, no. She's just staying here because of the earthquake. I'm not. I would never. I couldn't. [Charlie takes a peep at Judith on his deck in her bikini) Okay, maybe I could, but I'm not.
Berta: Yeah, that's what I used to say about my stepbrother, Cousin Dewey
- Permalink: What are you, a farm animal? What? That is your brother's ex...
Jamie [to Alan]: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.
- Permalink: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! Well, I guess ...
Jake [looking at yearbook pictures]: What was going on with your hair?
Jamie: It's called a Jheri curl.
Alan: It was my Michael Jackson period.
Jake: Who's the tall guy next to you?
Jamie: Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.
- Permalink: What was going on with your hair? It's called a Jheri curl. ...
If I don't do something about that website, I'm gonna have to move to Pennsylvania and chase Amish broadsCharlie
- Permalink: If I don't do something about that website, I'm gonna have to mo...
Berta [about Judith]: You're not really thinking about going back, are you?
Alan: I don't know. She wants to, but I'm torn.
Berta: You're not torn, you're gutless. Do you still love her?
Alan: Of course I do. I mean, you know, we've been through a lot of things together. She's the mother of my son.
Berta: Okay, listen to me Zippy. If that's all it took to make a marriage, I'd have a husband for each one of my tattoos
- Permalink: You're not really thinking about going back, are you? I don't ...
Alan: My failed marriage is like a dead dog. But it serves as fertilizer for the shrub, which represents my new life. So if I try to revitalize the marriage, you know, digging up the dog, then I'm killing the shrub, which is me.
Berta: Like you said, it's apt.
Alan: Thank you Berta, you're a very insightful woman.
Berta: I know. In a just world, you'll be washing my shorts
- Permalink: My failed marriage is like a dead dog. But it serves as fertiliz...