Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Charlie: Berta, are you seeing this? Am I dreaming?
Berta: Do you have the Kardashian sisters under the table?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then you're not dreaming.

Charlie: My date just canceled on me.
Gordon: Can't the service just send over another girl?

Alan: Is that for luck?
Evelyn: No, just kissing it goodbye.

Alan: You have five grand in your sweatpants?
Charlie: I prefer to think of it as "three hookers and a Philly cheesesteak."

Alan: How much is this going to cost me?
Charlie: The question is, "how much is this going to earn you?"
Alan: I'll stick with my question.

Alan: Oh, what's to become of my son?
Charlie: Don't worry, Alan, there'll always be carnivals.

Alan: You have to forget about her, Charlie.
Charlie: (holding bottle of liquor) I know, that's why I got me some milk of amnesia.

He said in the whole world I'm the only one that can move him.

Rose

Alan: What happens if her husband catches you?
Charlie: Then he shoots me and you can have my house and car.
Alan: Go to her, Charlie. She's waiting!

Rose: He doesn't even know you exist and I plan on keeping it that way.
Charlie: How is that possible? What about the tattoo?
Rose: I had glasses added to it and told him it was Harry Potter.

Alan: What about her tattoo of you on her left butt cheek?
Charlie: I wish she hadn't done that. After she takes a hot bath I start to look like Edward James Olmos.

What's up Mccallen? We can grow old together. You're only 20 and I doubt you're gonna make it to 21.

Charlie
Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 130 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 8 Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.