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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: You have to forget about her, Charlie.
Charlie: (holding bottle of liquor) I know, that's why I got me some milk of amnesia.

He said in the whole world I'm the only one that can move him.

Rose

Alan: What happens if her husband catches you?
Charlie: Then he shoots me and you can have my house and car.
Alan: Go to her, Charlie. She's waiting!

Rose: He doesn't even know you exist and I plan on keeping it that way.
Charlie: How is that possible? What about the tattoo?
Rose: I had glasses added to it and told him it was Harry Potter.

Alan: What about her tattoo of you on her left butt cheek?
Charlie: I wish she hadn't done that. After she takes a hot bath I start to look like Edward James Olmos.

What's up Mccallen? We can grow old together. You're only 20 and I doubt you're gonna make it to 21.

Charlie

You don't scare me. You already shot your load. (he gets sprayed) ... Although you could be another skunk!

Alan (to skunk)

Alan: Charlie, if you do what I think you're going to do, I swear I will never speak to you again.
Charlie: Really? Then by all means tell me exactly what you think I'm going to do.

Lyndsey: I think you underestimate your brother.
Charlie: Oh, it's not an estimate. I already got the bill.

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