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Two-and-a-half-men

You don't scare me. You already shot your load. (he gets sprayed) ... Although you could be another skunk!

Alan (to skunk)

Alan: Charlie, if you do what I think you're going to do, I swear I will never speak to you again.
Charlie: Really? Then by all means tell me exactly what you think I'm going to do.

Lyndsey: I think you underestimate your brother.
Charlie: Oh, it's not an estimate. I already got the bill.

Lyndsey: Oh, God. You saw "Cinnamon's Buns?"
Charlie: Not all the way through. Though I'm very familiar with the bakery shop scene in the middle. You know, with the frosting gun?

Charlie: Give me in the lay of the land.
Lyndsey: You mean who in this land can you lay?

Charlie: Wow, you really missed the signals.
Alan: What signals?
Charlie: For me it was her taking off her sweater and saying, "Quick do me before Alan gets back from his trumpet lesson."

Lyndsey: I'm way past guys like you.
Charlie: What do you mean guys like me?
Lyndsey: I mean guys I have to dip ammonium before I let them anywhere near me.

Alan: I'm not gay, I'm just meterosexual.
Charlie: That's just a gay man that can't get laid.

Girl in Bar: Thank you.
Charlie: For what?
Girl in Bar: I came in here tonight because I was angry at my pig of a boyfriend, but after listening to you, I realize I was unfair to him. There is something below pig.
Charlie: Well, glad I could help.

Charlie: Courtney went home. We broke up.
Alan: Oh, and you're trying to fill the void and mend a broken heart at DanishMunchers.com.

Dr. Freeman: ... non-familial relationships.
Charlie: Why didn't you just say friends?
Dr. Freeman: I got the diplomas, Charlie, I like to use them.

Dr: What do you consider being truly intimate with a woman?
Charlie: Not using a condom?

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 130 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 8 Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

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