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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: I hope it works out with your granddaughters.
Berta: They're 15 years old and pregnant. What should they look forward to - the next season of "Teen Mom?"

Alan: Hey, I'm just looking out for you.
Charlie: Do me a favor; a little less looking out and a little more moving out.

Alan: Do you know what happens to pretty, slender fellows in jail?
Evil Alan: Yeah, they usually hang themselves after their first shower.

Alan: You're going to lose quite a bit of money by pulling out early.
Berta: Yeah well if Jimmy Lee did the same, I wouldn't need the money.

Alan: Your husband's a dummy.
Rose: To be fair, he wasn't the one who was fooled by a mannequin.

Alan: I was singing.
Jake: You weren't singing.
Alan: Who are you, Simon Cowell?

Priest: Are you even Catholic?
Alan: I'm a big fan. The costumes. The music. Crackers and wine.
Priest: That's the body and blood of our Savior.
Alan: I know. Um-um good. Did you guys ever think of putting that in supermarkets like a Lunchable?

Herb: My marriage isnt over yet
Chris: Duuudee....you've been takin out the garbage for two and a half hours

Gordon: God, I love your life.
Charlie: Thanks, but it's really not as fun as it looks.
Gordon: Really?
Charlie: Nah, I'm kidding! Cheers to me!

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