Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 8 Quotes

Season 8 Episode 16: "That Darn Priest"

Alan: I hope it works out with your granddaughters.
Berta: They're 15 years old and pregnant. What should they look forward to - the next season of "Teen Mom?"
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Alan: Hey, I'm just looking out for you.
Charlie: Do me a favor; a little less looking out and a little more moving out.
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Alan: Do you know what happens to pretty, slender fellows in jail?
Evil Alan: Yeah, they usually hang themselves after their first shower.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: You're going to lose quite a bit of money by pulling out early.
Berta: Yeah well if Jimmy Lee did the same, I wouldn't need the money.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Your husband's a dummy.
Rose: To be fair, he wasn't the one who was fooled by a mannequin.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: I was singing.
Jake: You weren't singing.
Alan: Who are you, Simon Cowell?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Priest: Are you even Catholic?
Alan: I'm a big fan. The costumes. The music. Crackers and wine.
Priest: That's the body and blood of our Savior.
Alan: I know. Um-um good. Did you guys ever think of putting that in supermarkets like a Lunchable?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 8 Episode 15: "Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak"

Gordon: God, I love your life.
Charlie: Thanks, but it's really not as fun as it looks.
Gordon: Really?
Charlie: Nah, I'm kidding! Cheers to me!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: How's the pediatrician game?
Herb: Like taking money from babies.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn: You're my son. I should at least pretend I believe in you.
Alan: Thank you.
Evelyn: I'm putting "American Cancer Society" on the memo line. Just ignore that.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Once the profits start rolling in, I could move out.
Charlie: And once I start growing boobs I could start working the lunch shift at Les Girls, Girls, Girls.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Berta, are you seeing this? Am I dreaming?
Berta: Do you have the Kardashian sisters under the table?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then you're not dreaming.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: My date just canceled on me.
Gordon: Can't the service just send over another girl?
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Alan: Is that for luck?
Evelyn: No, just kissing it goodbye.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: You have five grand in your sweatpants?
Charlie: I prefer to think of it as "three hookers and a Philly cheesesteak."
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: How much is this going to cost me?
Charlie: The question is, "how much is this going to earn you?"
Alan: I'll stick with my question.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 8 Episode 14: "Lookin' for Japanese Subs"

Alan: Oh, what's to become of my son?
Charlie: Don't worry, Alan, there'll always be carnivals.
 • Rating: 1.0 / 5.0

Alan: You have to forget about her, Charlie.
Charlie: (holding bottle of liquor) I know, that's why I got me some milk of amnesia.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Rose: He said in the whole world I'm the only one that can move him.
 • Rating: 2.0 / 5.0

Alan: What happens if her husband catches you?
Charlie: Then he shoots me and you can have my house and car.
Alan: Go to her, Charlie. She's waiting!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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