Alan [about Judith]: The point is, she wants to give it another try, and so do I. But we can't let Jake know because we don't want him to get his hopes up.
Charlie: Oh, buddy, why don't you just take an electric sander to your testicles?

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Two and a Half Men Season 3 Episode 3 Quotes

Charlie: Oh, hey, Alan! The kid was asking about these women you've been going out with, why he never gets to meet any of them?
Alan: Really? What, what did you tell him?
Charlie: I said it's probably because he's disgusting.
Alan: Oh, Charlie...
Charlie: I also told him that you love him and that you don't want him to get attached to somebody and get disappointed if things don't work out.
Alan: Good. Thank you.
Charlie: How come I don't get to meet them?
Alan: Cause you're disgusting.
Charlie: That's very hurtful, Alan

Evelyn [about Alan and Judith]: If you were to reconcile, I would have to apologize to her.
Alan: So?
Evelyn: I'd rather kill us all