Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXPeter Griffin Quotes
Oh, yeah, yeah, that plane crash I told you about... it turned out to be gas
Weed: Hello?
Peter: Mr Weed? It's Peter Griffin. I can't come into work today. I was in a horrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable... See you tomorrow!
Uh, Mr. Weed, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. And if you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday
Executive: Trust me, Peter. The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking.
Peter: What about that graph on the wall that says: "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"?
Executive: That? That's just something my son made me in art class.
Peter: Then what about that post that says: "The graph was not made in art class. We really do want kids to start smoking"?
Executive: Look, we're a caring company
Lois: But Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Well, maybe it's because I can recite all fifty states in a quarter of a second. ARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise
Peter: Hey, since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa Milano [watching the episode from her couch]: What kind of cheap shot! Joe!
Joel: (motioning with his hand while seated at an office desk behind her) I'm suing, I'm suing. I'm on it, I'm on it
Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's NOT for son, and then you'll understand why I can never go back to Seaworld
Director [to Lois]: You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be in a movie, huh? A little girl/girl action maybe?
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Good luck buddy, I've been barkin' up that tree for 17 years
Brian, it's moments like this that make me sad you're gonna die fifty years before I do
Rehab Counselor: I don't think you're an addict, I think you're an idiot.
Peter: Yeah, well I don't pay you to think, hot lips, in fact, I don't pay you at all...
Brian: What are you doing here [at rehab]?
Peter: I'm on vacation. Oh, and if anyone asks, I'm also on smack
Chris: Hey dad, I heard if you use tanning beds, you can get something called "Melanoma."
Peter: Oh, Chris, that's just fancy-talk for Sexified
