South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralStan Marsh Quotes
(all the kids are panicked and making a lot of noise)
Ms. Crabtree: All right! (she opens a box and pulls out a revolver and a rabbit) Everybody shut up or the cute little bunny DIES!!
(everybody shuts up)
Stan: She's always trying to get us to shut up by threatening to kill that bunny, but do you think she ever would?
Kyle: Oh she would dude, she would.
(Cartman's Flashback)
Dr. Mephesto: Cartman's father is John Elway.
Cartman: All right!
John Elway: Come on son, let's go get some ice cream.
(Outside the flashback)
Cartman: Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
Stan: John Elway's not your dad, it's your mom because she has a penis.
Stan: Oh my god! Kenny... killed... Death...
Kyle: You... bastard?
Cartman: Hey, you guys! What if Ms. Crabtree doesn't come back and we're all trapped up here forever!
(The kids all gasp.)
Kyle: We couldn't get trapped up here forever, Cartman; we'd die after a couple of days
(The kids all gasp louder.)
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: (scared) I don't wanna die on this bus with you assholes! You guys suck!
Stan: Dude, would you just relax? We've been in a lot worse situations than this, and we've come out of them just fine.
Kyle: Worse than this??
Stan: Oh, sure. Don't you remember the time the alien visitors kidnapped your little brother Ike? Now THAT was scary!
Jesus: Welcome back. Now, Jimbo, would you please tell me why your nephew do stuff like this to you?
Jimbo: Well, I'll tell you, Jesus... It's because he takes drugs and he worships the devil!
(The people in the audience gasp.)
People in audience: (chanting) Jesus! Jesus!
Jesus: Wow, Stanley! Now your uncle sounds really worried for you!
Stan: Well, I only did it because he... MOLESTED me!
(The people in the audience gasp again.)
Jimbo: Why, you little piece of crap...!
Stan: You big piece of crap!
Cartman: That's it! Now I'm all pissed off! (Cartman throws a chair at Ned) Take that, hippie!
Jimbo: Hey!
Whoa, Dude. I don't take drugs and worship Satan!
Kyle: (about the nurse) And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled!
All boys: Eww!
Cartman: Did it talk?? The little fetus, did it talk??
Kyle: No, dude! It looked dead!
All boys: Eww!
Stan: Was it wearing clothes??
Kyle: (weirded out) Dude, where's she gonna get fetus clothes?
Stan: Oh, yeah Eww!
All boys: Eww!
Stan: (imitating Mr. Mackey) We're sorry, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, that's okay, just don't let it happen again.
Kyle: We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay, that's that.
Cartman: Mmkay?
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay.
Chef: Hello there, children!
Boys: Hey, Chef!
Kyle: How's it going?
Chef: Bad
Kyle: Why bad?
Chef: Children, I heard about what happened at school today! Now none of you tooked that nasty marijuana, did you?
Stan: No, dude! We never even saw it!
Chef: Okay, because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad.
Stan: We know, we know, that's what everybody says!
Chef: Right. But do you know WHY they're bad?
Kyle: Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind, the consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.
Chef: And do you have ANY idea what that means?
Kyle: No.
Cartman: I know! Drugs are bad, because if you do drugs, you're a hippie; and hippies suck!
Kyle: (to Chef) Hey, are you come to Ike's bris this weekend?
Chef: Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
Stan: What do you mean?
Chef: Don't you boys know what a bris is?? They're going to circumcise him!
Cartman: Eh, what's that?
Chef: (to himself) Oh, boy. Here we go again (to the boys) Children, uh What's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan: Uh, bicycles?
Cartman: Ham?
Kyle: No, not ham, you fat ****!
Cartman: (to Kyle) Screw you! (to Chef) It's ham, isn't it?
Chef: No no no, children. I'm talking about the most important part of a man's body.
Kyle: Uh, your heart?
Stan: Your eyes!
(Chef puts his hand on his head.)
Kenny: (muffled) I know! Your penis!
Chef: That's right!
Cartman: Hey! My mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis, Kenny! You're supposed to call it a fireman!
Chef: A fireman??
Cartman: That's the proper way to say it, or else you'll get a spanking!
Chef: (gets into car) Damn it, children! Why do I always have to be the one to explain all of this stuff to you? Ask your parents for once!
Kyle: Hey, wait!
(Chef drives off.)
Stan: (to Kenny) Dude, something tells me this "bris" thing isn't good!
Stan: (about Kyle telling his parents) Dude, you shouldn't have told them that; now they're gonna go find him and cut off his penis!
Cartman: Fireman.
Kyle: Ah, who the hell cares? He's not even my responsibility!
(Kenny falls in an empty grave; the gravestone breaks in half and falls on him, killing him as well.)
Stan: Oh, my god! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards.
Stan: Why do dogs have cold noses?
Mr. Mackey: Uuuhh.. well I'm not sure.
