Jake [pointing to fat Peter]: What's that, daddy?
Tom Tucker: Why that's Mercury, Jake, the planet closest to the sun. Though what it's doing down here by the waterfront, I haven't the foggiest. We should probably ask a scientist...
Peter: I'm a guy, you jackass

• Permalink: What's that, daddy? Why that's Mercury, Jake, the planet close...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Oh, Peter, I'm so proud of you. Once again you've brought our family to the edge of the abyss and at the very last minute you saved us all. I love you, honey.
Peter: And I've grown fond of you, Lois. Let's go home.

• Permalink: Oh, Peter, I'm so proud of you. Once again you've brought our fa...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Chris: I think I saw of her nipples.
Lois: Chris that's a terrible word. Nipple. I'll chalk that up to the heat mister

• Permalink: I think I saw of her nipples. Chris that's a terrible word. Ni...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Brian [at mom's funeral]: Say something.
Stewie: What?
Brian: Just say something please.
Stewie: For god's sake. Um... "Yea, and God said on to Abraham, 'You will kill your son Isaac'. And Abraham said, 'I can't hear you, You'll have to speak into the microphone.' And God said, 'Oh, I'm sorry. Is this better? Check, Check, Check. Jerry pull the high end out I'm, getting some hiss back here.'"
Brian: Say something about my mother!
Stewie: Oh yes, I'm sorry. I never knew Biscuit as a Dog, but I did know her as a table. She was sturdy, all four legs the same length...
Brian: Thanks. That's enough.
Stewie: Yes. Requiem in Terra Pax, and so forth. Amen

• Permalink: Say something. What? Just say something please. For god's ...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!

Stewie

• Permalink: You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never kno...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got.
(Flashback)
Young Peter: My book report is on The Giving Tree (A kid pulls down Peter's pants)
Randy: Hah! Hah! Nerd!
(Class laughs at Peter)
Young Peter: (whining) Randy!
(Cut to hallway. Randy pulls Peter's pants down)
Randy: Hah! Hah! Nerd!
Kids: (Come out of no where and start laughing)
Young Peter: (whining) Randy!
(Cut to urinal. Peter's at the urinal. Randy pulls Peter's pants up)
Randy: Nerd!
Peter: (whining) Randy!

• Permalink: Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got. My book ...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Carter Pewterschmidt walks in his living room to find Peter naked, kissing Lois)Carter Pewterschmidt: Why are you naked in my house?!Peter: (turning around to Mr. Pewterschmidt) Uh....(pauses)...why aren't you?Carter Pewterschmidt: (long pause) ..You're alright Griffin.

• Permalink: ..You're alright Griffin.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

You know what? I was so drunk, my ghost is drunk.

Peter

• Permalink: You know what? I was so drunk, my ghost is drunk.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.

Tom Tucker

• Permalink: Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!

• Permalink: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of? Sunshine and f...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Brian and Lois are downstairs awaiting Meg to come down so Brian and Meg can go to the dance)(Stewie and Meg walk down the stairs)Stewie: Here she is, Brian I present to you your polish turd for the evening.Meg: How do I look Brian?Brian: Ahhhhhh.....you sure do Meg.

• Permalink: Ahhhhhh.....you sure do Meg.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Hey, uh Lois, I wanted to get KY Jelly for the class today, but they were all out, so I got Smuckers.

Peter

• Permalink: Hey, uh Lois, I wanted to get KY Jelly for the class today, but ...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0