Weed: Hello?
Peter: Mr Weed? It's Peter Griffin. I can't come into work today. I was in a horrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable... See you tomorrow!

• Permalink: Hello? Mr Weed? It's Peter Griffin. I can't come into work tod...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Hey, Stewie, nice sunburn! (Slaps him on the back)
Stewie: Aaah, you horse's ass!

• Permalink: Hey, Stewie, nice sunburn! Aaah, you horse's ass!
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Can't we eat yet? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I guess I could ride him to the store

Chris

• Permalink: Can't we eat yet? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't ge...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Lois: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell!

• Permalink: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room? Why don't you bu...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Asian Santa: (really fast) What you want? What you want for Christmas?
Stewie: Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...
Asian Santa: (really fast) Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!
(throws Stewie and an Asian kid comes) What you want?
Asian Kid: (really fast) Fire truck!
Asian Santa: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa: Next. (throws kid)

• Permalink: What you want? What you want for Christmas? Um, I was thinking...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Peter: Hey Fulcher!
Fulcher: Griffin?
Peter: The feeling's mutual.
Fulcher: What are you doing here?
Peter: I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher. I'm gonna beat ya, and then my son Chris is gonna beat ya. It's gonna be an old fashion father-son beat-off.
Chris: Wait a minute dad, you can't hit him.
Fulcher: Yeah, I have MS.
Peter: Oh, ya hear that Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's braggin' about it. Now ya really got me mad.

• Permalink: Hey Fulcher! Griffin? The feeling's mutual. What are you d...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!

• Permalink: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of? Sunshine and f...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.

Peter

• Permalink: Now if you'll excuse me, I have some death to defy.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Steve: Well, well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead, you're all dead!
Peter: Oh, good, he thinks we're zombies. He'll leave us alone

• Permalink: Well, well, Officer Swanson. You and your friends are dead, you'...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Micky McFinnegan: As we say in Ireland: Let us drink until the alcohol in our systems destroys our livers and kills us.

• Permalink: Let us drink until the alcohol in our systems destroys our liver...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

(Brian and Lois are downstairs awaiting Meg to come down so Brian and Meg can go to the dance)(Stewie and Meg walk down the stairs)Stewie: Here she is, Brian I present to you your polish turd for the evening.Meg: How do I look Brian?Brian: Ahhhhhh.....you sure do Meg.

• Permalink: Ahhhhhh.....you sure do Meg.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.

Tom Tucker

• Permalink: Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0