Frank: Gentlemen, I propose we send a message to tobacco companies everywhere by finding the El Dorado cigarette company infinity billion dollars!
Congressman: That's the spirit Frank! But I think a real number might be more effective

• Permalink: Gentlemen, I propose we send a message to tobacco companies ever...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Weed: Hello?
Peter: Mr Weed? It's Peter Griffin. I can't come into work today. I was in a horrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable... See you tomorrow!

• Permalink: Hello? Mr Weed? It's Peter Griffin. I can't come into work tod...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Uh, Mr. Weed, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday. And if you don't buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday

Peter

• Permalink: Uh, Mr. Weed, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at ...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Executive: Trust me, Peter. The last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking.
Peter: What about that graph on the wall that says: "The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking"?
Executive: That? That's just something my son made me in art class.
Peter: Then what about that post that says: "The graph was not made in art class. We really do want kids to start smoking"?
Executive: Look, we're a caring company

• Permalink: Trust me, Peter. The last thing we want is to get kids to start ...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Lois: But Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter: Well, maybe it's because I can recite all fifty states in a quarter of a second. ARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise

• Permalink: But Peter, why would they make you president? Well, maybe it's...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Peter: Hey, since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa Milano [watching the episode from her couch]: What kind of cheap shot! Joe!
Joel: (motioning with his hand while seated at an office desk behind her) I'm suing, I'm suing. I'm on it, I'm on it

• Permalink: Hey, since I became president, profits have been higher than Aly...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's NOT for son, and then you'll understand why I can never go back to Seaworld

• Permalink: Dad, what's the blowhole for? I'll tell you what it's NOT for ...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Can't we eat yet? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I guess I could ride him to the store

Chris

• Permalink: Can't we eat yet? I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't ge...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Director [to Lois]: You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be in a movie, huh? A little girl/girl action maybe?
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Good luck buddy, I've been barkin' up that tree for 17 years

• Permalink: You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be in a movie, huh? A lit...
• Added: October 14, 2009

I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darnest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Stewie

• Permalink: I was under the impression the name of the show was Kids Say the...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!

• Permalink: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of? Sunshine and f...
• Added: October 14, 2009

Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk

Stewie

• Permalink: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrub...
• Added: October 14, 2009