Favorite Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: This might have been the worst date of my life.
Charlie: Did she dress you in a leather bustier and tie you to a bed?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she super glue a model car to your balls?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Did she talk you into trying on one of mom's dresses while she stole your wallet?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Then this wasn't even your worst date this month.
Alan: No, I suppose. And thanks for the highlight reel, by the way.
Charlie: I think they got the place to themselves, so he might get a little "Peace on Earth" tonight.
Alan: How do you make everything sound dirty?
Charlie:: Hey, I took the high road. I could have gone with "Come All Ye Faithful."
Alan: This may be your house, but this is my son.
Charlie: But you've been living here for seven years, which makes us a common law couple, which makes him our kid.
Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean... I miss Sex and the City.
Charlie: Yeah, Alan, that's much less gay.
Charlie: I gotta figure out a way to get Gail to leave on her own.
Berta: You got the perfect tool for the job.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Berta: The one tool that's guaranteed to drive any woman out of the house.
Alan [entering the room]: Hello.
Berta: Oh look, it's an Alan wrench.
Alan: Morning, Berta. Need some help?
Berta: Yeah, come to my house and explain to my daughter that we don't put up bail for cute guys with Costa Rican passports
Alan: Sex is not what the group's about.
Charlie: Oh, grow up. You put single men and women on folding chairs in a church basement they're going to start mounting each other
Alan: What do I have to be depressed about?
Jake: You've been divorced twice, you're living on your brother's couch, and your only child is flunking tenth grade.
Alan: You're flunking tenth grade, when the hell did this happen?
Jake: Easy dude, I think you have bigger things to worry about.
Alan: You missed Easter last year
Charlie: So that's how I woke up with a Cadbury egg melted in my shorts?
Alan: Sadly, no
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.
Alan [about Chelsea]: So you're just going to sit here and wait till she comes crawling over?
Charlie: Yes I am...and then since hell has long since frozen over, we can go ice skating
Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well, it doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's whether or not you beat the spread
