Favorite Alan Harper Quotes
(to Berta) I just don't understand what kind of spiteful god could allow my drunken whoremonger of a brother to become a children's singing star while I toil away in poverty-stricken anonymity.
Charlie: What do you think?
Alan: I'm going back to bed.
Charlie: What about you?
Jake: You couldn't have TiVo'd this?
Charlie: Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you.
Berta: Is your brother still in bed with his sister?
Alan: Step-sister... to be... and yes.
Teddy: Thanks for coming, fellas. Means a lot to me.
Alan: Wouldn't miss it. We wish you a lifetime of love and happiness. Right, Charlie?
Charlie: Well, yeah, but he seems hell-bent on marrying mom.
Alan: (with the phone in his hand) It's Teddy's daughter, she wants to talk to you.
Charlie: Really?
Alan: But you promised Teddy you'd stay away from her.
Charlie: Hey, I didn't tell her to call me.
Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.
Evelyn: (talking about Charlie) I just can't believe he's still in bed.
Alan: He's a drunk, Mom, that's what they do.
(To Charlie) But it always seems to work out that every time you get laid, I get screwed!
Alan: How come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer and my old receptionist?
Charlie: I like Teddy.
Berta: Did Teddy tell you to stay away from his daughter, too?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, why would he?
Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea that you were planning on using a fake migraine to get out early. So what did you do? Ooh, menstrual cramps. Yeah, I can't get away with that. Although sometimes I'll use irritable bowl syndrome.
Alan: I spent 12 years of my life watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.
Charlie: I'd go with the migraine.
(To Charlie and Jake) Stop it, the both of you! There will be no puking. We are going to stay, congratulate the happy couple, mingle a little bit, and then I am going to fake a migraine.
