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Two-and-a-half-men

Courtney: Are my boobs even?
Alan: Even what?
Courtney: I just want to make sure one's not popping out more than the other one.
Alan: No, no. They're both just popping ... fine.

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.

Charlie: It could have been worse but I won a bundle at the roulette table betting the color of her underwear.
Alan: Red or black?
Charlie: Double zero.
Alan: What color is that?
Charlie: Ass cheeks.

Alan: Is that a votive candle?
Charlie: Yep. She's praying that I have pleasant bowel movements.
Alan: Oh, please.
Charlie: No, no. It's working. This morning, soft, firm easy peasy.

Charlie: Te amo.
Alan: I thought you don't speak Spanish?
Charlie: I do know how to say, "I love you" and "How much for a happy ending?" in seventeen languages.

Charlie: Where did you learn to speak Spanish?
Alan: Junior high, high school, college, two years of chiropractic school in Mexico.

Alan: She broke up with her ex-husband. She said she didn't want to go backwards.
Charlie: In what universe is dating you not going backwards?
Alan: I know. This guy must be all kinds of messed up.

Evelyn: I'll be right back,
Alan: Where are you going?
Evelyn: To put on panties.

Evelyn: What is wrong with him (Jake)?
Alan: Nothing organic. We've had him checked.

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