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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: I guess a little morning quickie is out of the question?
Charlie: if you can do it without waking me up... you're not realy thinking about it are you?

Alan: I did buy her a nice scarf.
Charlie: Will it support your weight from a shower rod?

Alan: ...and maybe Saturday, a date.
Charlie: You're calling those magazines dates now?

Alan: Let me tell you something young man, chapter two of your father's story hasn't been written.
Jake: Is chapter one, "I crapped my pants?"

Alan: My life isn't over you know.
Jake: Okay.
Alan: What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
Jake: Then you must be like the hulk.

Alan: You might want to eat something so when you throw up later, it won't just be alcohol and stomach juice.
Charlie: Way ahead of you. (holds up drink) I call it an Egg McBorboun.

Alan: You stole drugs from your son?
Lyndsay: It's only fair, he stole my youth.

Lyndsay: It's like the horse head scene in The Godfather.
Alan: Could be worse. Could be the prom scene from Carrie.

Alan: Now, to the issue of underage drinking. Not only is it against the law, alcohol destroys brain cells.
Charlie: Alan, you gotta tailor the pitch to the audience.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: Forget brain cells. Jake, listen to me, this is very important. Alcohol can make it tough to get a boner.
Jake: You're kidding?
Charlie: I can't tell you how many times I've said, "this has never happened before."

Jake: I'm never gonna drink again.
Charlie: Quitter.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: Oh right, atta boy.

Charlie: What is that?
Alan: A portable massage table.
Charlie: So what are you giving rub and tugs on the pier now?

Alan: Let me get this one.
Charlie: Really? You're not going for the world record?
Alan: What are you talking about?
Charlie: 1647 meals in a row where you haven't taken your stupid velcro wallet.
Alan: You were counting?
Charlie: Was I close?

Displaying quotes 157 - 168 of 710 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

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