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Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie may be prickly and crusty on the outside, but inside he's all soft and gooey,.. kind of like a pudding-filled cactus.

Alan: It was just a one time thing. Actually a two time thing, once was in the shower.
Charlie: Well that is where you've been practicing.

Eldritch: There's something wrong here, are you sending us to military school?
Alan: No, why would you think that?
Jake: I dunno, 16 years of bargain pizza from Costco and vanilla wafers for dessert?

Alan: Lindsey and I have decided to live together.
Jake: I dunno think Uncle Charlie's going to like that. He's never been real pleased you and I moved in.

Alan: Dammit, how do you get a guy to leave your house who doesn't want to go?
Berta: Tell him you missed your period and you're out of pot. It always worked for me.

Alan: What's not to love?
Charlie: I dunno, her mood swings, her idiot teenage son and the fact you need a muscle relaxer, a bottle of wine and a jackhammer to get her off.

Lindsey: It's okay, Alan. I don't have to have orgasm every time you make love.
Alan: I did my best, it's just that my sinuses are a little block and I needed my mouth for breathing.
Lindsey: Don't worry about it, you were great. "A" for effort.
Alan: But on my report card, it's still going to say incomplete.

Judith: You don't sleep with your son's friend's mother.
Alan: No, no. you marry his pediatrician.
Herb: He's got you there, sweetie.

Alan: Iced tea?
Charlie: I decided when you try to mail your pants to a garment inspector in Malaysia, it's time to quit drinking.
Alan: Some might have said that day come and went when you gave yourself that haircut.

Lindsay: I got a little surprise for you.
Alan: I got what I'm told is a perfectly adequate surprise for you.

Alan: Yours?
Charlie: Alan, she's like sixteen.
Alan: And, again, I ask, hoping I don't get called to testify, yours?

Charlie: Think it through Alan, for what possible activity would I need my pants off an my shoes on?
Alan: I dunno, chasing a reluctant hooker?
Charlie: Can't rule it out.

Displaying quotes 145 - 156 of 710 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

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