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Alan: Birthday card for mom -- sign it.
Charlie: No thanks. Come back with a "do not resuscitate" form and we'll talk.

Evelyn: You go out with a girl and break up with her hoo-hah can develop a 5'o clock shadow.
Alan: Well, in his defense mom, he's usually paying by the hour.

Don't worry, she doesn't commit suicide, she inspires it.

Evelyn: You're a dermatologist. How do I get rid of 170 lb skin tag?
Alan: Excuse me, 164.
Charlie: Really? That's the part of you object to?
Alan: Would you like to be called a 200 lb drunk?
Charlie: 180.
Alan: See?
Charlie: Yeah, well better a lush than a leach.

Alan: Are you really that superficial, vain and shallow?
Charlie: Yes. Yes. And yes.

Charlie: Oh, try
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Alan: It's not what it looks like.
Charlie: That's a relief cause it looks like you were masturbating to mariachi music in your car.
Alan: I only get AM radio!

Think of this way - when she's 70, you're likely to be dead for 10 years.

Alan: Do you have any idea how long it would take me to earn that kind of money?
Charlie: Oh don't think like that. You're never going to earn that kind of money.

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