Favorite Berta Quotes
Berta [regarding Judith]: What are you, a farm animal?
Charlie: What?
Berta: That is your brother's ex-wife out there.
Charlie: I know who she is. Oh, no, no. She's just staying here because of the earthquake. I'm not. I would never. I couldn't. [Charlie takes a peep at Judith on his deck in her bikini) Okay, maybe I could, but I'm not.
Berta: Yeah, that's what I used to say about my stepbrother, Cousin Dewey
Berta: Oh, damn it.
Charlie: What?
Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the line
Berta: What's going on?
Jake: I had to sleep in dad's room last night 'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out...
Berta: Got it
Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred-dollar bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?
Berta [on Charlie's relationship]
Berta: Morning.
Alan: Morning. Hey, Berta, you're a woman.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering-what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.
Alan: Berta, have you seen Charlie?
Berta: He's not in his bed?
Alan: No.
Berta: Passed out on the bathroom floor?
Alan: No.
Berta: Rubbing oil on the volleyball girls?
Jake: No.
Berta: Well, that just leaves the bars, hospitals, and jails. I'll go get the Yellow Pages.
You spent all that money on an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house and you're not allowed inside either one of them
Berta [to Alan]
Alan: Charlie's coming to work with me.
Berta: Why?
Alan: He's helping me around the office.
Berta: You wanna bet?
Okay, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but golly Moses, she's a muffin
Berta [upon seeing Kandi sunbathing]
Berta [about Charlie]: He just getting home?
Alan: Yeah.
Berta: You really have to wonder how long he can keep burning that penis at both ends
What's the oompa loompa doing here on a weekday?
Berta [about Jake]
Berta: You mind if I take your room?
Alan: Gee! You want to take my room, I...
Berta: Trust me, you would want me to have a room with a private crapper
