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Dr. Barr: It says here your husband died, you had a boyfriend who killed himself, and you suffer from alcoholism. That's a lot of trauma for one year. What about your kids?
Bree: Oh, they're fine. Andrew is backpacking through Europe, and Danielle is away at cheerleading camp.
Dr. Barr: What's your relationship with them like?
Bree: What do you mean?
Dr. Barr: Are you close? Do they share things with you?
What do you feel about them?
Bree: You know, I really don't have time for this nonsense. Are you going to give me some serious drugs or not?
Dr. Barr: No.
Bree: Fine. Then I'm going back to my room.

Dr. Barr: You must find that very peaceful.
Bree: Why would you assume that?
Dr. Barr: Because that's all you've been doing for three sessions. I still don't know anything about you, except that you rake in remarkably straight lines.
Bree: Is that what you're doing, asking me all those ridiculous questions about my childhood, trying to get to know me? Well, here's a clue. I'm not crazy. I just have a few issues.
Dr. Barr: And psychotherapy is how we help you deal with those issues. What kind of treatment did you think you were going to get?
Bree: Honestly, I was hoping that you'd medicate the hell out of me.
Dr. Barr: You don't need anything stronger than what I've already prescribed for you.

Dr. Barr:You know, Bree, I can't force you to open up to me, but I can make it easier for you to focus on your problems.
Bree:And how are you going to do that?
Dr. Barr:I'm going to tell the orderlies to confiscate all your personal items.
Bree:I committed myself voluntarily.
Dr. Barr:When you signed those papers I became responsible for your well-being, and I will help you
in any way I see fit.
Bree:I don't need that much help, because I am not like your other patients.
Dr. Barr:Oh, sure, you are. You just don't know it yet.

Sally: Boy, do I feel for you. Trying to convince your friends that you're still normal, and you're surrounded by a bunch of loons.
Bree: You, too?
Sally: Oh, please. Dr. Barr goes out of his way to make me feel like a complete psychopath. I think he's crazier than the patients, actually.
Bree: You know that, um, that woman in the wheelchair? What's her story?
Sally: Yeah, she's a kooky one. She hasn't spoken a word since she got here. She just sits there all day long waiting for your friend to come and visit. He talks to her for hours, but I don't even think she can hear him.

Bree: Hello?
Gabrielle: Hi, there.
Mary Alice: I'm Mary Alice. This is Susan, uh, Lynette and Bree.
Susan: Welcome to the neighborhood.
Gabrielle: Well, I am Gabrielle Solis.
Lynette: Would it be better if we came back at another time?
Gabrielle: Oh! No, no. I was... just changing out of my sweaty clothes. I didn't realize moving was such great cardio.

Bree: Um, we, uh, just came over to introduce ourselves, but we can, um, do that at another time.
Tom: No, wait. Please stay. It's okay. We're okay. We're okay, right? Honey, we don't wanna freak out the new neighbors.
Lynette: I'm sorry that you saw my panic attack. I won't let it happen again, especially since this is my last pregnancy.
Tom: Right. You're the boss. I'm just your love slave.
Susan/Mary Alice: Aw.
Lynette: Well, don't encourage him.
Tom: Honey, clearly, our new neighbors see that you have been gifted with a phenomenal husband.

Bree: What are you doing here?
Orson: Well, three or four times a week, I visit my--my friend. What about you?
Bree: Oh, I just thought it would be a lovely place to take a nice, long rest.
Orson: Oh.
Bree: Um, listen, I told my friends that I was, um, I was at a spa, so if you run into Susan, I...
Orson: Your secret is safe.
Bree: And seriously... (lowers voice) I am not like these other people.
Orson: Oh, I can tell. A real lady always stands out in a crowd.
Bree: Well, that was... very sweet.
Orson: Enjoy your rest, Bree Van de Kamp.

Lynette: Hi.
Tom: Hi.
Mary Alice: Hi, uh, we just wanted to come welcome you to the neighborhood.
Bree: Um, but we could come back later.
Lynette: Yeah. No, wait. Actually, wait. This is perfect. You know why? Because we need some impartial judges.
Tom: Lynette...
Lynette: Let's suppose your husband begged you to get pregnant-- begged you--and out of the goodness of your heart, you agreed, even though it might derail your career.
You agreed to a baby. A baby, singular.
Tom: Lynette, we've just met these people.

Bree: You let go of me right now!
Dr. Barr: Hey, hey! What's going on here?
Bree: I am trying to leave, and these morons won't let me. Do you know that you can be arrested for kidnapping and for detaining someone?!
Dr. Barr: Why do you need to leave?
Bree: Because my daughter is in danger.
Dr. Barr: Something happened at cheerleading camp?
Bree: Okay, there's no camp. That was a fib on my part. I found out that she ran away with a boy and the boy is a murderer.

Orson: Bree?
Bree: What?
Orson: You're Bree Van de Kamp, right?
Bree: Do I know you?
Orson: Orson Hodge. Uh, Susan's dentist friend. We met after her house burned down.
Bree: Oh. I'm so sorry. I didn't recognize you.
Orson: Small world, huh?
Bree: Yes. Uh, excruciatingly so.

Bree: I can tell by your tone that you don't believe me.
Dr. Barr: Bree, let's talk about this in my office.
Bree: I don't have time for therapy, you quack! Now let me out of here! Let go of me! You idiot. Let go of me! You know I committed myself voluntarily! You can't do this to me! No!
Dr. Barr: Bree, please, don't struggle.
Bree: If anything happens to my daughter, so help me, god...
Dr. Barr: We're only trying to help.

Gabrielle: Susan. We've all been talking. We've decided that you and Julie should stay with Bree.
Susan: Oh, thanks, but that's okay. We'll stay in a motel.
Bree: Absolutely not. Just give me an hour or two to straighten up Andrew's room and then you can bring yourselves over.
Susan: I don't deserve friends like you.
Lynette: We're aware of that.

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