Favorite Charlie Harper Quotes
Alan: When was the last time you called mom just to see how she was doing?
Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.
Alan: Why don't you start with that?
Charlie: OK, fine.
Alan: Remember her number?
Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?
Alan: Looks like you had a tough night.
Charlie: No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!
Charlie: You wash them, you dry them. How hard could it be?
Alan: So what's the problem?
Charlie: Which one's the washer?
Charlie: Morning.
Lydia: That was a great shower.
Charlie: Yeah, you know it's good when you feel dirtier coming out than you do going in.
Lydia: I'm serving hors d'oeuvres at an open house tomorrow so I'm gonna need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.
Berta: Say what?
Lydia: I'm talking to Charlie. You don't mind do you?
Charlie: Mind, well I, uh...
Berta: You wanna borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer?
Lydia: I'm not saying I won't pay you, plus you can take home all the leftovers.
Berta: Oh, gee, why don't you just toss 'em all in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard.
Lydia: Well, that's just a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.
Berta: You wanna do me a favor? You take the money that you were gonna pay me, convert it into rolls of nickels, then bend over
Lydia: Why don't you put some sunscreen on your cute little bottom?
Charlie: What for?
Lydia: 'Cause I wouldn't want you to get a nasty burn.
Charlie: Why would I get a nasty... ohhh, you mean sex?
Lydia: Good thing you're pretty 'cause you're very slow
Lydia: I hope you're proud of yourself.
Charlie: Well, I didn't wake up in my own vomit, so, yeah, kind of
Charlie: Berta's the one who keeps this house running, and more important, she's kind of like family.
Lydia: She's rude, offensive, and vulgar.
Charlie: Okay, exactly like family
Charlie: Okay, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.
Alan: It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress
Berta: I don't mind your girlfriends throwing the occasional thong or panties into the hamper. I just fold them and sell them at the swap meet, but this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.
Charlie: Now to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.
Berta: Yeah, well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass.
Charlie: We had fun last night in bed, eh?
Lydia: Oh, terrific! What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?
Charlie: That explains why I dreamed I was kissing Abraham Lincoln
Charlie: OK, well, good luck with the tour!
Steven Tyler: Thanks a lot, man.
Charlie: Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?
Steven Tyler: What was that?
Charlie: Nothing, nothing.
