Favorite Charlie Harper Quotes
Evelyn: So, how is work?
Charlie: Fine.
Evelyn: Are you seeing anybody special?
Charlie: Nope.
Evelyn: Charlie, did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained because you won't let me in? You won't share.
Charlie: You know why I won't share with you, Mom? Because anything I say will be used against me.
Evelyn: Oh please...
Charlie: I have to go to the bathroom, maybe I have a prostate problem. I buy a new Mercedes, you call it a Nazi phallic symbol. I'm seeing someone new, you ask if I'm paying her by the hour, or per schtup!
Lydia: Alan, hi. So sorry to hear about your troubles.
Alan: Troubles? What troubles?
Lydia: Maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?
Charlie: I don't know what she's talking about...
Alan: I am going through a bit of a rough patch, but I try not to think about it too much.
Lydia: Well, good for you. I'd be suicidal.
Charlie: You hear that? You have options
Bobby: We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time.
Charlie: Well, maybe you just didn't recognize her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms
Alan: When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]
Charlie: Okay, seriously, you got to stop that.
Alan: I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.
Charlie: Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.
Alan: The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?
Charlie: No, the repeated blows to his unformed head
Berta: You still have to go?
Charlie: Well, yeah, it doesn't evaporate. Can't we pull over for a minute?
Berta: In this neighborhood, in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy
Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf
Alan: Oh, would you please just get your drunken ass out of bed and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!
Charlie: Well, since you said "please".
Vicki: I am so full. I don't think I could put another thing in my mouth.
Charlie: Hope that's just a figure of speech
I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing because I was sitting on the can, listening to you not take a crap!
Charlie: You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Alan: Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
Charlie: I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.
Charlie: You're right! I am addicted! I have a vagina on my back, but I know I can get it off! I mean, you gotta help me.
Berta: I can't help you, pal, you gotta help yourself.
Alan: I don't like it here.
Charlie: Well, tough, this was the only way I could get Berta to come back.
Alan: But why do I have to be here?
Charlie: Because you're looking for a place to sell your condo!
