Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch and one of them says heard any good jokes lately and the other one, get this, lights him on fire.

I saw your commercial for the shake weight. My brother does basically the same thing in the shower every night. He has absolutely no muscle definition in his arms.

Lady: Oh my god, you threw up on my baby!
Charlie: To be fair, I don't think the carrots were mine.

Dr: What do you consider being truly intimate with a woman?
Charlie: Not using a condom?

We all want the shining red apple, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's lying on the ground

And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.

Alan: The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude finds this distasteful?
Charlie: That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species.
Alan: Nothing I'm doing requires a ten day quarantine and a series of rabies shots.

My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to and you're both.

Charlie: Sure you don't want a drink?
Alan: Nah, when I'm depressed alcohol just makes me feel worse
Charlie: Yeah, same. The trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to dance with me?
Charlie: Hey, Jake, want to live in a foster home?
Jake: Sometimes.
Charlie: Don't sass me, boy. I'll take the switch to you.

There are no such things as small frightened women. That's a myth, perpetrated by the large angry women who secretly run the world!

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.