Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch and one of them says heard any good jokes lately and the other one, get this, lights him on fire.

I saw your commercial for the shake weight. My brother does basically the same thing in the shower every night. He has absolutely no muscle definition in his arms.

Dr: What do you consider being truly intimate with a woman?
Charlie: Not using a condom?

Lady: Oh my god, you threw up on my baby!
Charlie: To be fair, I don't think the carrots were mine.

We all want the shining red apple, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's lying on the ground

And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.

There are no such things as small frightened women. That's a myth, perpetrated by the large angry women who secretly run the world!

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to dance with me?
Charlie: Hey, Jake, want to live in a foster home?
Jake: Sometimes.
Charlie: Don't sass me, boy. I'll take the switch to you.

The day you start accepting limitations is the day you start dying, and I am not dying, my friend. I am living life to the fullest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap

My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to and you're both.

Prostitue: What kind of sex does charlie want?
Charlie: Oh i get to choose? It's kind of like Baskin Robbins. You know if they charged $1,000 a scoop.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Charlie