Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch and one of them says heard any good jokes lately and the other one, get this, lights him on fire.

Dr: What do you consider being truly intimate with a woman?
Charlie: Not using a condom?

I saw your commercial for the shake weight. My brother does basically the same thing in the shower every night. He has absolutely no muscle definition in his arms.

Lady: Oh my god, you threw up on my baby!
Charlie: To be fair, I don't think the carrots were mine.

And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.

We all want the shining red apple, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's lying on the ground

Charlie: Sure you don't want a drink?
Alan: Nah, when I'm depressed alcohol just makes me feel worse
Charlie: Yeah, same. The trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon

Jake: You're cheap.
Alan: I'm not cheap. I'm broke. There's a difference.
Charlie: He was cheap long before he was broke.

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to dance with me?
Charlie: Hey, Jake, want to live in a foster home?
Jake: Sometimes.
Charlie: Don't sass me, boy. I'll take the switch to you.

Displaying quotes 1 - 9 of 796 in total