Alan: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch and one of them says heard any good jokes lately and the other one, get this, lights him on fire.

Dr: What do you consider being truly intimate with a woman?
Charlie: Not using a condom?

Lady: Oh my god, you threw up on my baby!
Charlie: To be fair, I don't think the carrots were mine.

I saw your commercial for the shake weight. My brother does basically the same thing in the shower every night. He has absolutely no muscle definition in his arms.

And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.

We all want the shining red apple, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's lying on the ground

The day you start accepting limitations is the day you start dying, and I am not dying, my friend. I am living life to the fullest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap

Jake: You're cheap.
Alan: I'm not cheap. I'm broke. There's a difference.
Charlie: He was cheap long before he was broke.

There are no such things as small frightened women. That's a myth, perpetrated by the large angry women who secretly run the world!

Charlie: Sure you don't want a drink?
Alan: Nah, when I'm depressed alcohol just makes me feel worse
Charlie: Yeah, same. The trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon

Charlie: Tell you what. I'll trade you, site unseen, my mom for yours
Chelsea: Charlie..
Charlie: I'll even throw in Alan and a couple of Omaha Steaks

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.