Favorite Charlie Harper Quotes
Jake: What do I have to do for you?
Charlie: Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
Jake: Do I have to cry?
Charlie: No.
Jake: Will there be food?
Charlie: Yes.
Jake: Can I bring a date?
Charlie: You're just screwing with me now, right?
Jake: How does it feel?
Alan: Herb, you haven't touched your beer.
Herb: Oh, well I'm not too much of a drinker.
Charlie: So let's have a drinking game: Whenever Alan gives me a strange look, we all have a drink. [Alan stares at him]
Charlie: Whoops, let's just start it
Charlie: I think I'll go to the bathroom.
Evelyn: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean "why"? I have to go.
Evelyn: When was the last time you had a prostate exam?
Charlie: It feels like I'm having one now
Charlie: Don't be mean to your mother.
Jake: You're mean to your mom all the ti..
Charlie: My mother can take it. My mother feeds on it.
Alan: Jake's happy being an only child.
Charlie: If there was a new one I think he'd probably eat it by mistake
Alan: Jake's a sound sleeper.
Charlie: Yeah, nothing wakes that kid up. And I've had some real screamers at my place.
Charlie: Don't underestimate the value of having a prescription pad lying around the house.
Alan: Charlie!!!
Charlie: In case someone gets sick...or bored
Lydia [about her kids]: I'm very careful about who I expose them to.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Lydia: Charlie, please.
Charlie: Why can't I expose myself to your kids? ... I mean why can't I meet your kids?
Charlie: She might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
Jake: She must be dynamite in the sack.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff from?
Jake: Cinemax
Lydia: Wow, this is some house. If you ever decide to sell I want the listing.
Charlie: Well you'd have to kill my mom for it, so...sure
Lydia: If you were open to suggestions, it couldn't be better.
Charlie: Oh, really, and how could it have been better?
Lydia: Boo hoo, looks like I've pushed a button.
Charlie: Looks like I didn't.
Lydia: You can push an elevator button a hundred times, and it still won't come any faster.
Charlie: Fine, the next time I'll take the stairs
Evelyn: So, how is work?
Charlie: Fine.
Evelyn: Are you seeing anybody special?
Charlie: Nope.
Evelyn: Charlie, did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained because you won't let me in? You won't share.
Charlie: You know why I won't share with you, Mom? Because anything I say will be used against me.
Evelyn: Oh please...
Charlie: I have to go to the bathroom, maybe I have a prostate problem. I buy a new Mercedes, you call it a Nazi phallic symbol. I'm seeing someone new, you ask if I'm paying her by the hour, or per schtup!
