Favorite Charlie Harper Quotes
Alan: Charlie, there is a half naked woman in our kitchen.
Charlie: Which half?
Charlie: Alan, I can't do this anymore, I quit!
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie
Charlie: You know your uncle Charlie wrote that song.
Jake: No lie.
Charlie: Kid, if I was going to lie to you, I would have said I wrote "Stairway to Heaven"
Berta: Well, you don't have to worry about paying me this week, Charlie.
Charlie: Thank you, Berta.
Berta: I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way. Call me when things pick up
Charlie [to Norman]: I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
Charlie [to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?
Berta: I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.
Alan: Charlie, call me an old-fashioned dad, but I was hoping my son wouldn't start betting on sports until he's old enough to have a drinking problem.
Charlie: He didn't really make a bet. I just gave him a taste of my action.
Alan: Nor do I want him tasting your action.
Jake: Dad, without action there's no juice.
Alan: All of a sudden, he's Frank Sinatra
Alan: All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!
Charlie: Why not?
Alan: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk!?
Look at you all grown up and back living with mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now on a scale from one to...two?
Chelsea: What are you doing?
Charlie: You know what happens when we spoon
Chelsea: I'm sick!
Charlie: So am I!
Charlie [about Jake at Evelyn's]: Oh, come on, he's not in any real danger.
Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on an fifth grader's birthday card?
Charlie: Of all the women I know, you're the only one I truly trust, Rose.
Rose: Personally, I find that very flattering, but professionally, I find it very disturbing
Well, Alan, there's not much to say. I make a lot of money for doing very little work. I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about my feelings. I drive a Jag, I live at the beach... and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas and take a nap out on the sundeck
