It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXCharlie Kelly Quotes
Charlie: It's like whole generations of those things have died at my hands. Mothers, fathers, grandfathers, little baby rats.
Dee: Well, you know, keep up the good work.
Charlie: Sometimes, I wonder though, if our lives are reaaly more valuable than theirs. You know what I mean?
Dennis: Yeah they are. Our lives definitely are without a doubt.
Charlie: I'll tell you what. I'll take him down to the locker room. I'll lather him up real good. I'll strip all these silly clothes off him. I'm gonna clean him. Sparkling clean. Brand new kid for you.
Principal: No, please don't bathe the students.
Charlie: You're right. He's a big man. You can bathe yourself, can't you, Rich?
Richie: Yeah, dawg.
Charlie: He's bathing himself and I'm watching.
Principal: I'd rather you didn't do that either.
Charlie: Principal McIntyre, I recently starting mentoring one of the kids here.
Principal McIntyre: Really? That's odd, because you're a janitor.
Dee: Did you get that orange out of the garbage?
Charlie: I sure did. Can you believe that? Someone threw this away? Perfectly good orange. They were digging at it a little bit and must have given up on it.
Dee: Don't eat trash, Charlie.
Charlie: I'll eat what I want to eat.
Charlie: I'm serious I will eat that eraser whole.
Principal: You don't need to eat the eraser to prove your point, you have the job.
Charlie: Are you serious?
Principal: I love your atittude.
Charlie: Sir, I'm not gonna let you down. I'm gonna start cleaning immediately. But, first, can I eat the eraser?
Principal: You're saying you want to eat the eraser?
Charlie: I'm asking you if it's edible cause it certainly smells of grapes.
Principal: I don't think it's edible.
Charlie: Can't I just test it?
Principal: I'd rather you didn't. I might need it later.
Charlie: Alright, you win this one. I'll pick up one of my own and I'll eat that one. That way everyone wins.
Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so i was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to his position.
Principal: And you're looking for a job as a substitute teacher?
Charlie: Substitute janitor.
Charlie: You want to toss some inspiration my way? Cause the guys think Schmitty is all that and I'm no good.
Dee: Okay, Charlie, how about this? You are really good at cleaning shit out of toilets, and taking trash and throwing it into dumpsters. So why don't you get a new job somewhere else doing those things and make friends there?
Charlie: Are you telling me to get a job here as the janitor and you and I can be best friends?
Dee: That is absolutely not what I'm saying.
Charlie: I'm gonna go talk to the principal and see if I can get that job and then we'll work on the friendship thing.
Charlie: It's either him or me.
Mac: Him.
Dennis: Yeah. I was gonna say him too. You know, it's always been him. I don't know why I didn't see that before.
Charlie: I'm out of the gang!?
Mac and Dennis: Him.
Charlie: Hey, you're stilling living with your mom? that sounds kind of lame.
Schmitty: Well, it's the M.S. that's really lame. you know
Dennis: Oh, your mom has Multiple sclerosis..
Schmitty: Yeah she's doing alright. I moved in with her to take care of her. Really get to know her before she moves on.
Charlie: That story is kind of a downer.
Charlie: You pushed him out of a moving car and yelled, "You're out of the gang!"
Mac: Now, in hindsight, that does seem kind of rash.
Dennis: It was kind of a snap decision.
Dennis: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
Charlie: He eats theater people.
Denis: No, he doesn't.
Mac: I think he might.
Frank: He does.
Dennis: Do you even know who the phantom of the opera is?
Mac: He might not.
Frank: He doesn't.
Charlie: I don't.
Dennis: It's fatness, plain and simple. It's a person becoming fat before your very eyes.
Charlie: And I don't even know how to make the bird jokes anymore. They no longer apply.
Dee: I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!
Mac: I feel like you say that all the time now.
Frank: You better do yourself a favor and flush it out.
Charlie: Wait a second, you definitely said that before.
Mac: Since we're all saying things we say all the time. I'll just reiterate. Dee, we don't care about you, or your body, or that baby bird.
