Glenn Quagmire Quotes
Peter: I know you're interested in being the fourth guy in our entourage, Kevin Connolly, but aren't you a little small?
Quagmire: I'll tell you what you can be in our group if I can have some of your cereal.
Kevin Connolly: Oh no, they're after me Kevin Connoly charms.
Quagmire: How long you been in beauty school?
Candy: Two months.
Quagmire: Well tonight, we're doing facials!
Quagmire [reading note]: Glen, this is your child, next time wear a condom jerk. Oh my god!
Peter: Wait, hang on, there's no guarantee it's your baby.
Quagmire: Ooh, I say that.
Quagmire: Hey Peter, uhh you have a card for if you transfered V.D. to somebody.
Peter: Uhh lets see here...uhh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Quagmire: Huh, that's all you have is accidental huh? All right I'll take it.
Brooke: Glen, will you accept this rose?
Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and tried to have sex with your unconscious body?
Cleveland: Cool, Glenn! You look like Tommy Lee!
Quagmire: Well that oughta be appropriate, since I just found out I have hepatitis
Little Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Little Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin' about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil. Ooh, make that devils
God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank that I gave a ride to the gas station. Last time I do someone a favor. Oh God! They heard me! Oh god! I heard me! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!Quagmire [thinks to self]
Hey Peter, can I borrow your lawnmow... [sees Lois naked] Aaahh! Any of you folks got a towel?
Quagmire: Hey, maybe we should set him up with another lemon snow cone, eh?
Peter: Oh thanks, the last one you gave me didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...oh you guys are asses!
Dear Diary, Jackpot!Quagmire [after finding a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Auctioneer: We'll open this auction with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagemire: Fifty bucks!
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks!