Glenn Quagmire Quotes
Tom Tucker: Can I get you some punch?
Thelma: Oh no, see, if you're one of ten million americans like me...
(cuts to a man in a chair)
Man: Like me.
(cuts to a woman on a tennis court)
Woman: Like me.
(cuts back to the community center)
Thelma: ...with a bladder control problem, punch just goes right through you.
(Quagmire comes in)
- Permalink: Can I get you some punch? Oh no, see, if you're one of ten mil...
(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are in the Drunken Clam)
Joe: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently.
Quagmire: Yeah, what gives?
Shamus: If its gale force peein ya be doin, it could mean ya got barnacles on yer prostate. Best have sick bay check below yer decks.
Peter: Wait a minute, are you telling me I need a prostate exam?
Shamus: Aye, and soon, before your rudder jams with flotsam, and your droppin' anchor without an order from the captain. (pauses) How are you liking all of these nautical puns?
Quagmire: Not bad.
Cleveland: Somewhat entertaining.
- Permalink: Peter, you're urinating unusually frequently. Yeah, what gives...
Peter: Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday and he did things to my fanny (Cries)
Cleavland: Peter it's okay.
Peter: No it's not okay, you don't know what it's like.
Cleavland: You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.
Peter: He did it to you too?
Quagmire: I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical slice guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig. With sexual experimentation.
Joe: You guys are a bunch of queers. (Joe rolls away, but then comes back) And so am I. Oh god, it was horrible. I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but damn it, they don't make water hot enough.
- Permalink: Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday and he did things to m...
Old Lois: Hi, Glen. How's the arthritis?
Old Quagmire: Fine. 'Course, I've gotten a little stiff since you walked in, Giggety gigg... oop, I just pooped a little.
Old Cleveland: Oh... that's... nasty...
- Permalink: Hi, Glen. How's the arthritis? Fine. 'Course, I've gotten a li...
Quagmire: Hey Brian, what do you think of my sign?
Brian: "Quagmire's Cross Country Tour." Uh, isn't there an "O" in country?
- Permalink: Hey Brian, what do you think of my sign? Quagmire's Cross Coun...
Peter: Sweet, Quagmire! You got a winnebago!
Quagmire: You mean a "Wanna-bang-o"!
Lois: (Sarcastically) Oh, how clever.
- Permalink: Sweet, Quagmire! You got a winnebago! You mean a Wanna-bang-o!...
As you can see, my family is here and it's game night. We're playing ... sex.
- Permalink: As you can see, my family is here and it's game night. We're pla...
Guys, this is the best dirty book store in town; Family owned, great hours, and lots of parking in the rear!
- Permalink: Guys, this is the best dirty book store in town; Family owned, g...
That's the exit. Of course in this place, every exit's also an entrance.
- Permalink: That's the exit. Of course in this place, every exit's also an e...